Can someone give me feedback or a little critique on my script for workshop I have to turn it end here is my first 10 pages
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FADE IN:
INT. TYSON'S BEDROOM - GLUING A PICTURE - DAY
Close on fingers gluing a picture of TYSON, CHRIS, JASON and PIERRE in the Guild Book.
TYSON (V.O.)
Aristotle would that a friend is single soul dwelling in two bodies, but with my friends its four bodies.
TYSON SCOTT 17, sitting on his bed in a nice suburban house in Atlanta,GA.
TYSON (CONT’D) (V.O.)
That's funny how we all became friends on that very day in Ms. Carr class.
It’s "I WANT TO BE DAY", kids between the ages of 4-5 are doing the regular activities that they do in a kindergarten class. The kids are dressed up in what they want be when they grow up. YOUNG TYSON 4 very youthful dressed in doctor equipment. MS.CARR 36, gather the kids around and the children are very lively and active.
MS.CARR
So children what do you want be when you grow up ?
PIERRE 5 in a suit and has a briefcase in his hand.Young Pierre jumps and shouts.
YOUNG PIERRE
I want to be a lawyer, Guilty.
A LITTLE GIRL in a nurse attire jumps up.
LITTLE GIRL
I want to be a Nurse like my mommy.
TYSON (V.O.)
There I am looking cute & handsome.
Young Tyson jumps up screaming.
YOUNG TYSON
I want to be a doctor.
YOUNG BOY (5) with a gold chain around his neck jumps up.
YOUNG BOY
I want to be Jay-z or Diddy, take that take that.
The young boy is dancing and throw up the diamond sign.Young Jason has a skull in his hand quoting Shakespeare.
YOUNG JASON
To be or not to be is the question, I want to be an actor!
TYSON (V.O.)
I had to say something real smart and mean.
Young Tyson gets out of his seat.
YOUNG TYSON
You can’t act because your a big fat pop head.
Young Jason gets up and is standing face to face with Tyson.
YOUNG JASON
What did you say ?
Young Chris is standing behind Young Jason.
YOUNG CHRIS
J Do the right thing and push him.
Young Tyson gets closer to Young Jason, Ms.Carr Stands up and tries to calm the boys down.
MS.CARR
OK, boys time to settle down.
YOUNG TYSON
I called you a big fat pop head.
Young Pierre jumps and says a lawyer term.
YOUNG PIERRE
Your out of order, your out of order this whole room is out of order.
Young Jason is looking very upset, pushes Young Pierre to the floor and young Tyson in a headlock.
YOUNG TYSON
Get off of me ! Get off of me!
YOUNG PIERRE
I will sue all of you guys for assault.
Ms. Carr is breaking them up and Young Chris is yelling.
MS.CARR
Boys,Boys, Boys!!
YOUNG CHRIS
Get him!
INT.OUTSIDE THE PRINCIPAL OFFICE- DAY
Ms. Carr is standing over the boys as they sit on a bench. They all look very sad and upset.
MS.CARR
You boys are going to sit here and think about what you did.
Pierre leaps from the bench.
YOUNG PIERRE
I didn’t do anything!
Ms.Carr Points to the bench and tell Young Pierre to sit down.
MS.CARR
Sit down Pierre.
Young Pierre sits down and Ms.Carr walks away.
YOUNG PIERRE
But I didn’t do anything!
Young Tyson pulls young Pierre to the bench.
YOUNG JASON
Hill wouldn’t do anything like this.
YOUNG PIERRE
Who is Hill ?
Young Jason is excited about talking about Hill Harper.
YOUNG JASON
Hill Harper, the guy who wrote Letters to a young brother, my Dad reads me his book every night.
Young Pierre is very thrilled about the conversation.
YOUNG PIERRE
My mama read that book to me.
Young Tyson gets engage in the conversation.
YOUNG TYSON
Its not better than Ben Carson, gifted hand I read it.
The guys look at Young Tyson.
YOUNG TYSON (CONT’D)
My dad read the book to me.
Young Jason start to smile.
YOUNG JASON
That's a good book too.
Young Tyson start to smile.
YOUNG TYSON
I’m going to be a doctor just like him.
Young Chris start to yell.
YOUNG CHRIS
I don’t like reading as much. I love movies, I want to be like Spike Lee.
Young Tyson is very excited.
YOUNG TYSON
My parents talk about him and Crooklyn all the time.
The Boys start to laughing and joking. They put their hands in the middle
TYSON (V.O.)
The rest was history we been close ever since that fight. I called it a beautiful disaster.
MS.CARR
There is nothing funny!
The boys get quite.
TYSON (O.S.)
We been supportive of each other at the football games.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD-NIGHT
The football field stand are field with a crowd off people enjoying the football game. JASON (Black)(17) very slim and tall he is wearing a shirt that says “Thespian” and Jeans his reading a book. CHRIS (Black)(17) wearing high school hoodie and sleeping at the game and wakes from the yelling of the crowd. PIERRE (Black) (17) shortest out of the boys he is wearing a letterman jacket and walking up the stairs with food and drinks in his hand. Jason stands up and signal Pierre where their sitting.
JASON
Pierre! Over here.
Pierre walks toward them and sit down.
JASON (CONT’D)
Let me get a piece of that hotdog.
Pierre hands Jason the hotdog.
PIERRE
Did Tyson get in the game ?
JASON
Yeah.
Tyson has on a full football gear and surrounded by other players they are in the football huddle and they break from the huddle.
FOOTBALL TEAM
Break!
PIERRE (O.S.)
Ball!
INT.BASKETBALL STADIUM -NIGHT
TYSON (V.O.)
Basketball games.
A basketball player passes Pierre the ball. Pierre is wearing a full basketball outfit. The timer shows 20 seconds and the score is 50-49. Pierre runs down the court and Chris is sleeping, Jason is reading a book and Tyson is cheering on Pierre. Pierre is running down the court dribbling the ball. The clock shows 10 second. Pierre shoots the ball and the buzzer goes off and win the game.
PIERRE
Yeah !
Chris wakes up and everyone start cheering.
TYSON (V.O.)
We been together for the boring stuff.
INT. THEATRE-NIGHT
Tyson and Pierre are knocked and Chris is wide awake enjoying the play. Jason is on stage acting out Julius Cesar. He has on a roman outfit.
JASON
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.The evil that men do lives after them;The good is oft interred with their bones;So let it be with Caesar.
The audience is clapping for Jason performance, Chris stands and clap. Tyson and Pierre wakes up and start clapping
INT.CHRIS’S LIVING ROOM-Night
Tyson, Jason, Pierre and Chris are sitting in Chris’s living room watching a movie. The movie is “Gangs of New York” everyone eyes are focused on the TV.
TYSON (V.O.)
Chris’s movie nights.
PIERRE
This movie is really good.
JASON
Can we watch something else?
TYSON
Isn’t that guy from Titanic?
CHRIS
Be quiet yall and watch the movie. Pierre pass me the popcorn.
Pierre passes Chris the popcorn and they all look at Chris.
JASON
That is him Tyson.
CHRIS
Be Quiet !
Jason throws popcorn at Chris and Pierre takes the bowel from Chris and dumps it on his head.
CHRIS (CONT’D)
Seriously go Kill yourself.
Jason, Tyson and Pierre are laughing at Chris.
TYSON (V.O.)
We been there for each other for the good and bad things in life.
EXT. GARVYARD-DAY
There is a casket and Jason is standing next to his father and they are wearing all nice black suit. A picture of Jason’s mother is next to the casket. Pierre, Chris and Tyson are sitting among the crowd of black looking sad. The pastor is speaking good things about Jason’s Mother.
PASTOR
She was an amazing woman, a loving wife and mother. Angela James will be missed.
Pierre, Chris and Tyson walk and comfort Jason.
INT.CHRIS’S ROOM- NIGHT
Chris is in his room watching “Citizen Kane” on his television and eating popcorn. Then he hears a knock at the door, he gets up to answer the door. Tyson is at the door upset.
CHRIS
What’s wrong Tyson ?
TYSON
She is gone ?
CHRIS
Who is gone ?
TYSON
My mama she left us.
Chris opens his door wider and let Tyson in his room. Chris pats Tyson on the back.
CHRIS
Tyson its going to be OK man.
TYSON
I hate her !
Tyson is laying on Chris’s bed asleep, while Chris lays on his floor asleep too.
TYSON (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We have been their for each other for 12 years, a great man said that your best friends are siblings god forgot to give you.
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY
Jason is in his classroom looking at the clock and the clock strikes 3:30pm. The teacher is at her desk giving the class a long speech before summer vacation starts.
TEACHER
Do something constructive beside something destructive.
TYSON (V.O.)
Jason knew in the back of his head that this was going to be the last summer with the group.
Jason pulls out at a VA beach brochure with four tickets.
INT. JASON’S KITCHEN- DAY-FLASHBACK
Jason is having a conversation with his father about getting tickets to VA beach for the summer.
JASON
Dad look here this is the last summer and then off to college.
WILL
Jason you guys by yourself on the beach I don’t know?
Jason’s Dad is over the oven stirring up a pot of food then he walks over to the counter to start cutting up lettuce.
JASON
Dad come on these are like my brother.
WILL
You will have three months.
JASON
I won’t Tyson’s going to Harvard, Pierre is going to UGA, Chris is going to NYU and I’m going to Howard.This is the final summer.
Jason’s Dad takes the food to the Kitchen table and puts the food on the table. Will is looking at Jason and Jason is just looking at him.
WILL
OK, J you will stay with your Auntie Adanna.
Jason is very excited and gives his father a hi five.
JASON
Sweet, your so cool Dad, you just earned major cool points.
WILL
Yeah, while your gone, I can Disco isn’t that what its call today.
Will sits down at the kitchen table.
JASON
You just lost points Dad.
Jason pats his father on the shoulder.
JASON (CONT’D)
Its not Disco its called clubbing.
Jason walks away from Will.
INT.CLASSROOM-DAY
Jason is looking at the clock and the clock shows “3:30” and the bell rings.
JASON
Yes free at last!
All the students run to the door and exit the classroom.
EXT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE - BRIGHT DAY
The students are throwing their paper in the sky and running to their cars and to the bus. Chris and Tyson are walking out towards Tyson’s Car.
CHRIS
Look around tyson no more high school the real world is waiting for us.
TYSON
I need money for school, how I expect Harvard to pay for itself.
CHRIS
Why don’t you call up your rich mama from the Kristen show.
TYSON
Call up who? Anyway we still having a movie night at your house before graduation ?
CHRIS
Yeah.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Pierre at his locker cleaning it out and taking pictures down. He stops to look AMY’s Picture. AMY 17 5’3 African American long hair very attractive walking towards Pierre.
AMY
Pierre!
Pierre closes his locker and walks off with the box in his hand.
AMY (CONT’D)
Pierre so your going to throw away four years ?