Feedback on a script

[Adeimantus]

Hey, folks!

A friend and I started a feature script a while back. I've linked to the opening scenes below. It's not too long.

Title: Free Falling
Genre: Drama
Logline: A man falls from 30,000 feet with no parachute as ghosts from his past compete to save his life and his soul.

http://www.politikonzoon.com/FreeFalling.pdf

Any feedback would be appreciated, particularly along the lines of whether you think the opening is a strong enough hook to hold the reader/viewer, and whether the concept is sound.

We've taken a temporary break from this script to work on a feature project with Joseph (Uranium City Films) that we're very excited about. But we'll be back to work on this eventually, and would appreciate any comments you might have.

warmest regards to all,

-Charles

 

[FantasySciFi]

I like it but I think the order should be changed a bit. The opening sequence with the kids is weak. Since the friends will likely be important later, they should be in there.

My suggestion would be to open with Jess in the general store (p.2) and have her call Billy. At the top of p.7, he finishes his task. Now re-integrate the scene with the kids from school and the question about parachutes. It makes more logical sense and the pause heightens the tension with what follows.

The home scene is very telling and intense; it will capture the attention. The scene with the kids is more informative and delays the reveal later on p.8.

The dialogue between Fran and Jess probably needs to be massaged. At the end you include

                    FRAN
                (quietly)
         How long?
                    JESS
         Not long now. Not long at all.

The script makes that obvious to the viewer given the oxygen mask in bed and all the medication for the 'bone pain'. I think you could drop those lines.

It is a great start to a script with an intriguing story. I thought the logline was out of sync with the story. The logline led me to think one thing, the script leads in a different direction initially. When you get it to the point it's finished, you might want to re-assess that.

 

[Theodebernacius]

whether you think the opening is a strong enough hook to hold the reader/viewer

You don't have to worry about that. I was hooked by the first few pages. The key, I think, is that you managed to create a strong empathy towards Billy by showing his difficult situation. We're rooting for him.

That's a strong start IMO. My only reservation is that the way Billy behaves after throwing the lifesaver seems too cold-blooded for a 9-year old. I would show more confusion in him. For instance, you could make him run towards Cooper before he realizes it's futile because of the strength of the current. Also, you should show him hesitate at least a bit to tell his mother the whole thing.

Great beginning! Made me think of a mix of the Barefoot Bandit and "Great expectations". I look forward to seeing the whole thing on screen.

 

[Adeimantus]

FantasySciFi & Theodebernacius:

First, my sincere and humble apologies for being unconscionably late to thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it immensely.

FantasySciFi: I think you're right about the opening scene and your suggestion on order is appropriate. The comment on dying is also too much on-the-nose and clumsy. Good catches, and thanks! As for the logline, its relevance will be more clearly established as the story proceeds; as it stands, though, your comment is correct given the short section I've posted.

Theodebernacius: Love the username, dude. Thanks for the kind words. I agree that the scene with Billy and D. B. Cooper needs to be massaged.

Again, sorry to be late in my reply. My only excuse is illness and a heavy work/writing schedule.

best to you both!

-Charles