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Feedback needed on 10 pages

Rixter

Rixter

Hello everyone!

I recently came to this site by accident, and extremely happy that I did. I see all of you take film seriously.

I don't know if I am able to request feedback, so please excuse me if I'm not. Just let me know, and I'll immediately delete it.

Any honest feedback you can give me on my newest script, would be greatly appreciated. It's a comedy romance called "Upside Down Luck"

Thank you so much.
 
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I didn't see much to change, other than this one little thing-

God! I feel like such a loser...
having my twin sister take care of
me.
Click to expand...
I think that if this was a real conversation the brother might say "you" instead of "my twin sister" because the latter sounds impersonal and slightly on-the-nose. Maybe if he said it to himself it would make more sense? Other than this the dialogue sounds good and not too predictable(which is where most comedy fails). I'll be interested to read the rest of the story, as things are sort of up in the air- it's kind of hard to talk about at this point. Good luck with it.:)
 
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Jrsmithson... Thank you very much for taking the time to read the first 10 pages of Upside Down Luck , and giving me your feedback.

I was trying to convey that it was his "twin" sister. I think you're probably right, I can use it elsewhere in the dialogue later when he's at work maybe.

I just wanted to see if the first 10 pages "hooked" you. I've got to do some rewriting on the rest of ACT I.

Thanks again jrsmithson. I appreciate your comments!
 
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I liked it, not quite sure where you're headed with it, but it's only ten pages. If I were you, I'd dump that opening montage. You can start your movie with him showing up at his sisters door. Showing a guy moving furniture isn't particularly cinematic and it's not necessary for the set up.
 
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You asked for honest feedback, so please don't be offended. When does the comedy begin? The first 10 pages have lots of unfunny sight gags. If it were on TV, I'd have flipped the channel. Also, this is not spec formatted by production formatted which will make it distracting for many readers. I'm not saying that the later concepts won't work, but the first 10 pages didn't hook me.

Rather than trying to lead off with so many forced gags, develop Tom. I'd like a conversation between a dripping wet Tom and Sara as to why he's moving in with her. Was it even announced or spur of the moment? What if he just arrives at her doorstep and she is surprised and has her boyfriend in the back room? What if her boyfriend meets him at the door? It creates an awkward moment that gives an insight into their relationship. The short interlude between Sara and Tom was insufficient, unproductive and tells the audience nothing. Resolve their relationship, then move him to the workplace.

Bumping into the boss is so cliche. Find some other way to create conflict. The whole Jen, Kevin, Tom scene is too rushed. Where did Dorothy come from? Give some time developing the characters. My impression overall was that the emphasis on visual comedy was at the expense story and character development. In the Rom-Comedy, story and character are critical.

Tom has no physical description except short and unappealing. My impression is that he fat and dumpy with no personality. He comes across as very uninteresting and offensive in the first ten pages ("Truck Drivers take big dumps"). If he's the love interest, your script starts on the wrong foot. It's either a raunchy comedy or romantic comedy. As sexist as it sounds, guys will like the former, gals the latter. At the moment, it's more aimed a guys. So your script, so far, is in a bind. After the first 10 minutes, it will be offensive to women wanting a romantic comedy. I would rewrite it.

Sorry to be a negative critic. It has potential; but without character development, the scenes seem rather flat. Good luck.
 
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FantasySciFi... Thank you very much for your critique, I will certainly take your ideas into consideration. I do see what you're saying and respect your advice. This is my first script which I'm trying to develop, the second one (an action/thriller) is much better... I hope.

The first 10 pages was actually close to 20 pages, but I shortened it and took out a lot of the things you mentioned. In the first original draft, it was a rookie salesman who was showing homes to clients, but I changed the Lead to be a truck driver instead. I also took out most character descriptions in order to squeeze in the mannequin scene (which actually happened to me many years ago when I was selling homes).

Anyway, I appreciate advice coming from someone more experienced than I... thank you very much once again.
 
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It's actually finished, but I've changed the first 10 pages based on "popular opinion." I need to work on fixing the rest of it. Since it's already completed, it shouldn't take me more than a few day. Why do you ask?
 
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Log line

How's this for a log line:

Best intentions go astray when a meek and down-out-out man tries to win the love of his new boss with the help of his sex-crazed friend.
 
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It reads much better. I still think you are packing too much into these few pages. I would still like more character development. It's his first day on the job. Since the movie will involve an office romance, it would help to know more about it. Have Jen give him a tour and give a brief intro to people. This can give you some comedic opportunities as well.

I like how you reworked the driving sequence. If I were given this script by a director to rewrite, I would have to take out or move your sequences back (some of your sight gags). Really, the peanut butter on the ear contributes nothing to this. His fumbling for the phone and driving into the cans suffices. If you really want this scene, put off until later when he's had a bad night in the middle of the movie, and is heading to work groggy.

I understand how the mannequin scene is funny, but it comes too soon. We don't know anything about Dorothy yet. Would he realistically go to a stranger's house for drinks the first day? As I said before, don't sacrifice character and plot development just to show the jokes. The start with the sister and cowboy is really good. There I would still develop more of the personalities. Maybe have a piece at a time come flying out of the window. He's shouting up as he collects them. Then she sticks her head out. This is a great scene and could be used to good advantage.

The dialogue needs some polishing. Some of the lines seem a bit too long for the pace of the scene. I also think you need to avoid the graphic lewdness. Does he really need an erection holding the mannequin? You want him to seem rather bumbling not outwardly aroused.

I would develop Dorothy. Have a brief phone conversation from work. Then maybe a chat in the car on the way over. Have her look and sound rather prissy. Then allow the comedienne to portray the revulsion. Maybe have the old man appear and ask her something innocent which just sends her spastic and running out. Bumbling Tom needs to run out after her.

This could be a funny scene if toned down and scripted more cleanly with some build up. I would also emphasize the confusion element, if that's part of the script. It's not clear if Willie is setting Tom up or not. If the note says the brown house on the corner and there are two brown houses, it could be an innocent mistake.

This second pass is better than the first. I think it still would benefit from more development of the characters and plot. You have a interesting situation developing, so don't throw all of the visual gags in at once. A few to show how crazy the sister is, how bumbling he is, and what a wacky workplace he's in. Then start into more of the visual gags.
 
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Yes, I agree, good point about the introductions... That actually takes place the next day.

Yea...I keep thinking if the peanut butter scene is going a bit overboard. It actually happened to me once, but under different circumstance. I was extremely tired while driving once. I might just replace the entire scene.

Thank you... I took your advice and took out the montage and replaced the first part, thank you! The clothes flying out the window separately is a good idea.

I just keep remembering 40 Year Old Virgin. I guess I've got to think more about what Rating the movie should be...PG or R?

We will never see Dorothy again in the movie, that is why her description is so brief and to the point. Originally, Tom was a Realtor showing houses to a husband and wife, when this scene took place.

The explanation of why they went to the wrong house comes the next day while Willie and Tom meet again at the Gravel Yard. Maybe I shouldn't wait so long to explain it, I don't know.

I'll also think about all the visual quirky gags throughout the story. The story is full of them, at least until page 75. That's the point when Tom is "reborn" so to speak.

I'm reading "Dialogue" by Gloria Kempton right now. Hopefully, I'll be able to incorporate some proper techniques during my rewrite.

Thank you for your critique again FantasySciFi, I really do appreciate it.
 
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