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Feedback needed on 10 page script (Also I need help with Title)

B

BruceDowns

I’m looking for feedback and a better title for my script. Although it is a PSA I do not want the audience to know it’s a PSA until the end of the film. Our goal in writing the script was to have the audience believe as the main character believes -- that he is a hero saving his girlfriend and friends. I plan on shooting this in late July.

Link to script: http://outhouserag.typepad.com/Zombie%20Party%20v11.pdf

Thanks in advance for your time,

Bruce
 
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Okay Bruce, to start, I'll say that this ain't too bad. It certainly works, the story's all there, you've got your characters, the actions not too bad. I can see it playing out in my head, so the script itself is pretty good.

I do have a few problems though...

Firstly, your message, although it's a message that i'm sure many people do believe in, is this the best way to get it across? It's all seems a bit extreme to me. The guy just took half-a-dozen caffeine pills, yet his actions make it seem like he just took a crap-load of LSD and went mental!

I'd introduce other characters a little more, I at least get a little sense of what Jake might look like, but I get nothing for Steve, who's also a primamry character. A little more for even Alice and Chris would be nice. I'd also be tempted to give FRIEND1 and FRIEND2 names, as they do play a bigger role than just being extras.

Some of the dialogue is a little stale and just doesn't sit right. Especially where you have Jake talking to himself:


JAKE
Great! I guess these will have to do.

Jake takes all the pills at one time, swallowing them with his coffee.

JAKE
Ahh. Much better!


Real people don't talk to themselves like this. It's too much, he might mutter to himself, but he wouldn't actually speak. Also, the "Ahh. Much better" doesn't work, as caffeine pills don't perk you up the instant you swallow them (that's just me being picky, but the line would definately feel out of place if the character said it aloud).

If he sees everybody as a zombie, why not Alice?

Why does he flush the tablets away? If it were me, I'd pick them up and put them away for use at a later date. At this point he thinks he's just had a bad dream, so I don't understand what he's got against these pills.

That's it for now, just a little to think about. This is pretty good though, definately worth pursuing. Just needs a few loose ends tying up!
 
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Mad, thanks for the time and comments.

I hope that the audience will believe that he is actually a hero saving his girlfriend and some of his friends during the first part of the movie.

For the hallucination, I hope to pull this off on film with him not sleeping for 2 days and for all the empty energy drinks plus all the pills. Plus his room will be decorated with zombie posters and he will be listening to a song while studying that a friend of mind wrote and produced for me called Dead Alive which is about zombies. (link to song http://www.youtube.com/user/MikeInDominica#p/a/u/0/rTAW511vysw)

I will look into introducing the other characters more during the party scene before Steve calls Jake with the news of his girlfriend cheating on him.

He doesn’t see everyone as zombies at the party, just some of them, maybe the ones that are staggering around because of too much drinking?

During shooting the movie I was visualizing some of the scenes shot over exposed or in a dream like state including the scene of Jake flushing the pills down the toilet. This scene takes place while he is actually in the mental hospital bed before he opens his eyes.
 
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Echoing Mad Hatter, it's workable and this story has gotten a lot better since the last time that you put it out for comment.

Though I also have a few things:

Steven and Alice - what ages are they and why are they also not studying for the SAT's? Are they drop outs?

Place "5-Hour Energy" in quotes like you did with "Stay Awake"

I understand what you are going for with the whole sleep-deprivation/hallucination thing, but I don't think that being awake for that length of time will still cause hallucinations like that. Especially just off of caffiene - you have a BAD caffiene crash and you really can't stay awake much longer, no matter how much of it you ingest (or at least that's happened to me).

And isn't drinking coffee after a couple of energy drinks and six caffiene pills overdoing it?

"Jake grits is teeth and drives faster towards the party."

I think that you tell more than show through his actions (drives faster). Maybe show a picture of the odometer indicating faster speeds?

As for the dialogue, I, personally, think that the cop saying, "Well, you use, you lose," is an example of too cliched language. It makes sense in the context of this PDA, but I just think it kind of takes away from it all.

Oh and why zombies?

But like I said earlier, this has made some great strides since the original. Keep up the good work.
 
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Arrodiii, thanks for the time and comments. Not sure about Steven and Alice, depending on the casting they could be younger or older. I like the idea of showing the odometer and maybe his foot slamming the gas pedal as well. For the cop, saying “Well, you use, you lose” I was thinking of casting an old, near retirement aged, cop sitting on a chair just outside the room door. As if he’s seen this 1,000 times before. If you have an ideas for another line I would like to hear it. Thanks.

I originally wrote the script with mannequins instead of zombies, where they movie off camera but I was not able to make the movie due to the cost. Full body mannequins are very expensive. Plus two sets of clothes one for the mannequin and matching one for the actor. I still plan on making this movie with mannequins, which I do like better, once I’m able to raise the money. So, at this time I will make the movie with zombies and continue to develop my writing/directing skills.
 
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Mad_Hatter

I was thinking of a few items that you address in the reply.

I changed the script so that Jake tells Steve over the phone that he has not slept in three days which I hope will help some with the belief of his hallucination.

About introducing the charters a little more, what if I have one of the party goers with a handheld camera recording the party, asking everyone what they plan on doing during the summer, etc. In my mind I was thinking along the lines of “Cloverfield”. After the movie I could use the footage during the credits similar to “Super 8”. Would this help further develop the characters? If this sounds like an interesting idea how do I write this into the script? or should I just give the actors some guidance and have them wing it from there as if they are actually partying.
 
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Knowing that the character hasn't slept for days does make a hallucination a little more plausible. Originally, at least the way I read it, it was all set on one night, the guy takes some pills and then hallucinates. But, the message of your film is "Don't Do Drugs!!", so the fact that he's not slept is really neither here-nor-there.

Not sure how long you are planning the final runtime to be, but I think the story could benefit from showing us a few nights before this night. Perhaps you could show the guy slowly breaking down, while his friends are all enjoying themselves. Maybe the character buys, or borrows from a friend, some pills (speed, perhaps, but this could be left ambiguous). These are the pills he takes after three sleepless nights, these are what stimulate the hallucination. Now I think of it, maybe you could show these things in the form of flashbacks, as he drifts off at his desk.

Personally, I wouldn't mix handheld, home video footage within the actual film. I've not seen "Super 8" yet (I'm in the UK, we don't get it for another month!!!) so I don't know how the kids footage is used in that film. But sure, it could be a good way to let us know a little more about the characters, it would give them all more focused dialogue. As far as putting it in your script, just write exactly what you want the characters to say, it's all up to you, you've got to decide how your characters think and feel. That's what I'd do, then, once all the actors are in place, get them to read the lines as you've written them, then, if they're up for it, get them to do some improv, see what you get. At least that gives you both options.
 
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I will echo just about everything that has been said and add that you can not fail the SAT's. you can do poorly on them and you can do well on them but you can not fail them. the audience you are going for will pick you apart for that. just sayin
 
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While I appreciate your effort to create an important PSA message aimed at teens, I think you are missing the mark on several points. You need more research into teen drug issues. I would contact your local police department. They probably would provide lots a good information and potential support. Also, I visit local drug treatment facilities that work with teens.

Caffeinated products are not as dangerous as you try to portray. More serious threats are the rise in Heroin, meth, and ecstacy, as well as joints (marijuana) laced with PCP, cocaine, and meth. Another threat are inhalants which can lead to immediate seizures and death. Of course, alcohol is the most widespread and misused substance.

Adolescents can be hard to reach because they don't see that as happening to them. They are invulnerable. They are much more impacted by peer impression. If it's cool to smoke, then they will likely smoke. And if everyone else is drinking or having sex, well it must be cool. Pregnancy, accidents, can't happen to them. Peer group discussions have far more impact.

Programs like "Scared Straight" and "Just Say NO" so widely pushed in the 70's and 80's have been tracked to have minimal impact. DARE programs and local initiatives are much more successful.

A PSA that actually documents the impact on teens and reported by teens would be far more effective. Perhaps not a short advertisement, but as a 15 minute clip that can be shared in a treatment group for discussion.

In this case, I think you are so focused on a single product (a zombie/crash test dummie/caffeine crazed teen), that you're losing sight of the greater goal a product that conveys a powerful message to teens that drug use damages their lives.

Teens are pretty much inured to violence. Zombies are more laughable like clowns than things to be feared. The teen viewer is more likely to laugh at how stupid the guy is not because he took the pills but because he was frightened of the fake looking zombies.

I am doubtful your message will have the appropriate impact. That's why you should work with local experts who can guide you. It will also give you good interview footage. You might work with a local teen recovery group and let them help you put together a script. Then it's coming straight from the source (which is where it really needs to come from with teens).

Good luck with your PSA.
 
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Thanks, I love the feedback and have made changes to the script because of it. I now have Steve dropping off some meth to Jake on the way to the party. In case he needs more help staying awake on his last of three nights of no sleep. I also changed the line where Jake says “Yeah, and if I don’t pass, my parents are going to kill me” to “Yeah, if I don’t get into Tech, my parents are going to kill me”.

Here’s another question? Should I have his friends at the party drinking beer or not? If I keep the party alcohol free, would have help keep the focus on the drug use? If I have alcohol at the party would that give the wrong message, like drinking ok but drugs are not?

Again thanks for all the feedback.
 
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ok i'm just gonna throw this out there, why is the "don't do drugs" element of this important or relevant?
and why caffeine? if you take out the drug and coffee :hmm: aspect of this and just play it out like
dudes gettin ready, goes to a party, gets there late, zombies everywhere, he fights, turns out he snapped.
that's a good story, IMO and maybe you should just stick with that.

if you are determined on getting a message across you may do better to talk to some people who have
experience with hard drugs and their effects...

good luck!
 
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I'd leave the drug ambiguous. Do you know the effects of Meth? I don't exactly, but as a guess, I don't think somebody would take Meth intending to stay up all night and study. Don't name the drug. Have Steve give Jake a small baggy of pills and say something like "If you need a little pick-me-up later..." and leave it at that.

Have them drinking at the party. How many teenagers would go to a party in a field and not drink? Keep it real. Personally, my opinion (and I expect the opinion of most) is that drinking is okay, drugs aren't. Sure you're characters are going to be underage, but the truth is that kids will drink at a party... So, now I think of it, this has to be your decision. Do you want to portray (therefore, in a round-about way, endorse) underage drinking, in order to get your message across? If you do, will people look down on this? I don't know. If you don't want to show underage drinking, in my personal opinion, if you have to get this message across somehow, find a different approach. If the kids are partying, but not drinking, not sure if I'd believe this...
 
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