Hello Everyone!
Last night I had an idea for a series, which I just couldn't get out of my head. So I decided to write up a pilot for the series and I would very much appreciate some feedback on it. Any tips on how I can tighten up the script or what could be changed for a better general read are very welcome
I plan on writing 5 episodes for this series and I am currently on episode 3. I will be writing the series to completion, if for nothing more than the experience
Also, If by chance anyone would be interested in producing the series, I'm very much up for a collaboration
Title: Madhouse.
Logline:
Where do supernatural killers go when the curtain falls? When their reign of terror is over, where do they end up? James knows. James got a new job.
Plot:
James a mid-20's average guy gets a job at a secluded asylum. Though James is not qualified in anyway for the job he fits the job description perfectly: Mentally ill. Suddenly he finds himself taking care of some of history's most dangerous supernatural killers including, Jason Vorhees, Pennywise the clown, Leatherface, Michael Myers and Freddy Kruger. He works alongside the eccentric and slightly mad Dr. Coman and Jessica, another worker, whom James immediately falls in love with. James shares his apartment with his roommate and best friend Steve. Steve is a toaster and infact just a figment of James' imagination. This doesn't stop Steve from interfering with James' life. The story takes place in the weeks leading up to friday the 13th.
INT. ASYLUM DR. COMAN'S OFFICE - DAY
Inside a well maintained yet messy office sits DR COMAN, a scrawny man in his late 50's with scruffy beard and dressed in a lab coat. He is conducting a job interview.
Dr. Coman signs the delivery man's papers and in return gets a box.
He watches the delivery man leave the office, then pans his head and addresses JAMES, an average looking man in his mid-20's with a clean cut look.
Dr. Coman sets down the box next to his desk and picks up some papers.
Last night I had an idea for a series, which I just couldn't get out of my head. So I decided to write up a pilot for the series and I would very much appreciate some feedback on it. Any tips on how I can tighten up the script or what could be changed for a better general read are very welcome
I plan on writing 5 episodes for this series and I am currently on episode 3. I will be writing the series to completion, if for nothing more than the experience
Also, If by chance anyone would be interested in producing the series, I'm very much up for a collaboration
Title: Madhouse.
Logline:
Where do supernatural killers go when the curtain falls? When their reign of terror is over, where do they end up? James knows. James got a new job.
Plot:
James a mid-20's average guy gets a job at a secluded asylum. Though James is not qualified in anyway for the job he fits the job description perfectly: Mentally ill. Suddenly he finds himself taking care of some of history's most dangerous supernatural killers including, Jason Vorhees, Pennywise the clown, Leatherface, Michael Myers and Freddy Kruger. He works alongside the eccentric and slightly mad Dr. Coman and Jessica, another worker, whom James immediately falls in love with. James shares his apartment with his roommate and best friend Steve. Steve is a toaster and infact just a figment of James' imagination. This doesn't stop Steve from interfering with James' life. The story takes place in the weeks leading up to friday the 13th.
PILOT - MONDAY THE 9TH
INT. ASYLUM DR. COMAN'S OFFICE - DAY
Inside a well maintained yet messy office sits DR COMAN, a scrawny man in his late 50's with scruffy beard and dressed in a lab coat. He is conducting a job interview.
DR. COMAN
So, this job is... Some what dangerous, you will have to deal with forces you would never have thought to have existed. Ancient evil, that have lurked in the shadows for decades and ocasionally shown it's many faces to terrorize our very souls. So, my question to you is; Can you handle it?
DELIVERY MAN
I just need your signature
DR. COMAN
Oh! Right! The syringes, of course!
So, this job is... Some what dangerous, you will have to deal with forces you would never have thought to have existed. Ancient evil, that have lurked in the shadows for decades and ocasionally shown it's many faces to terrorize our very souls. So, my question to you is; Can you handle it?
DELIVERY MAN
I just need your signature
DR. COMAN
Oh! Right! The syringes, of course!
Dr. Coman signs the delivery man's papers and in return gets a box.
He watches the delivery man leave the office, then pans his head and addresses JAMES, an average looking man in his mid-20's with a clean cut look.
DR. COMAN
You basically heard what I said before?
JAMES
I think so.
You basically heard what I said before?
JAMES
I think so.
Dr. Coman sets down the box next to his desk and picks up some papers.
DR. COMAN
Good! Good, According to your resume, you are... Incredibly under qualified.
Dr. Coman smiles. James looks confused.
Beat.
Dr. Coman gets up from his chair and James follows. He spots the resume Dr. Coman was reading from, it was the receipt from the delivery. Dr. Coman puts his hand around James' shoulders.
INT. ASYLUM HALLWAYS - DAY
James and Dr. Coman walks down a long hallway. It looks clean and lit in a sterile lighting. On one side of the hallway are cell doors with a little square window in them. On the other side of the hallway are windows with bars across them. Dr. Coman tells James about the institution.
As they walk down the hallway, James and Dr. Coman pass the first cell door. James notices the name sign on the cell door; LEATHERFACE.
James and Dr. Coman passes another cell door and James spots another name sign; PENNYWISE.
James whispers to himself.
Dr. Coman starts to laugh. James joins in with a nervous fake laugh.
DR. COMAN
Basically, we give them a comfortable life here at the institution so others can be safe. Do you understand?
JAMES
I guess so.
DR. COMAN
Great!
James and Dr. Coman reach the end of the hall way and stops in front of a door. Dr. Coman opens the door.
Dr. Coman opens the door. James gets a look inside.
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
The room is very large and bathed in the same sterile light as the hallways. The room is scarcely furnished with just metal tables and metal chairs in it. The floor of the room is covered in blood.
James looks at Dr. Coman with a scared and confused gaze.
Beat.
Dr. Coman points to a closet at the far end of the room.
Dr. Coman turns around and starts to walk away.
James looks at the blood soaked room in awe.
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
Inside the recreational room James is hard at work, cleaning the floor. James stops for a second to look at his progress. There is still a lot of work to do. James sighs. JESSICA, a mid-20's girl, with tattoes and black hair appears in the doorway behind James.
James gets startled.
James goes back to work on the floor.
James gets a real look at Jessica as their eyes catch each others. They both smile. James stops working.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
Inside the recreational room, all the "patients" JASON, MICHAEL, LEATHERFACE, PENNYWISE and FREDDY KRUGER are going absolutely crazy on dummies of people. Stabbing, slashing, ripping and biting them while fake blood splatters out.
CUT TO:
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
Jessica turns around and James follows her with his eyes as she leaves.
Beat.
INT. ASYLUM HALLWAYS - NIGHT
James walks back down the hallway. He looks at all the name signs on the cell doors as he passes them:
FREDDY KRUGER.
MICHAEL MYERS.
JASON VORHEES.
PENNYWISE.
LEATHERFACE.
James reach the end of the hallway and turns around the corner. He ends up in front of Dr. Coman's office. He knocks on the door and enters.
INT. ASYLUM DR. COMAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Dr. Coman quickly scrambles something off of his desk.
Dr. Coman starts frantically typing on his labtop.
Dr. Coman looks up at James while still typing.
Dr. Coman stops typing.
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
James enters his apartment. As he opens the front door and enters the hallway he calls out to his room mate.
James takes of his coat and hangs it on a coat hook.
James takes off his scarf and hangs it over his coat.
James takes off his shoes and starts to walk towards the living room of the apartment.
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
James enters the living room but stops in the doorway and addresses his room mate.
James looks at his room mate, STEVE, a regular toaster, an old and well used toaster, sitting on the couch with a lit cigarette between the grills, watching television.
James scouts the living room. It's small and dirty. Scarcely furnished, with just the nessecities; A couch, a table, a television and a computer. The room is messy and lighting is dim.
James enters the living room and slumps down on the couch beside Steve.
James picks up a cigarette from a pack on the sofa table and lights it.
James turns his head and looks at Steve.
James lets his attention pan back to the television.
James faces Steve again.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. JAMES' APARTMENT KITCHEN - DAY
Steve is plugged into a wall socket and is turned on. A piece of bread lies on top of him, being toasted.
James peaks in from behind the door way.
Steve "plings" as the piece of bread is done toasting.
Beat.
CUT TO:
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
James and Steve are still sitting on the couch.
END
Good! Good, According to your resume, you are... Incredibly under qualified.
JAMES
Yeah I---
DR. COMAN
I mean so, so under qualified. How did you even get this interview?
JAMES
I ---
DR. COMAN
Don't answer that. It shall not be said that Dr. Coman is stickler to the rules!
Yeah I---
DR. COMAN
I mean so, so under qualified. How did you even get this interview?
JAMES
I ---
DR. COMAN
Don't answer that. It shall not be said that Dr. Coman is stickler to the rules!
Dr. Coman smiles. James looks confused.
Beat.
DR. COMAN
Besides, I've already said way to much not to hire you.
Besides, I've already said way to much not to hire you.
Dr. Coman gets up from his chair and James follows. He spots the resume Dr. Coman was reading from, it was the receipt from the delivery. Dr. Coman puts his hand around James' shoulders.
DR. COMAN
Come on, let me give you a quick walkthrough of our establishment.
Come on, let me give you a quick walkthrough of our establishment.
INT. ASYLUM HALLWAYS - DAY
James and Dr. Coman walks down a long hallway. It looks clean and lit in a sterile lighting. On one side of the hallway are cell doors with a little square window in them. On the other side of the hallway are windows with bars across them. Dr. Coman tells James about the institution.
DR. COMAN
So, what we do here is care taking of special patients. And when I say special, I mean supernatural. And when I say patients, I mean serial killers.
So, what we do here is care taking of special patients. And when I say special, I mean supernatural. And when I say patients, I mean serial killers.
As they walk down the hallway, James and Dr. Coman pass the first cell door. James notices the name sign on the cell door; LEATHERFACE.
DR. COMAN
Don't worry about it, they are just like you and me. Just incredible murderous and probably immortal.
JAMES
Is that real? I mean, is that the Leatherface?
DR. COMAN
Yes. Anyway, we function just like any other mental institution. We care for these patients, we feed them, we change their sheets and so on.
Don't worry about it, they are just like you and me. Just incredible murderous and probably immortal.
JAMES
Is that real? I mean, is that the Leatherface?
DR. COMAN
Yes. Anyway, we function just like any other mental institution. We care for these patients, we feed them, we change their sheets and so on.
James and Dr. Coman passes another cell door and James spots another name sign; PENNYWISE.
James whispers to himself.
JAMES
Holy shit.
DR. COMAN
I myself, try to rehabilitate them through different therapy sessions. But as you can imagine, it's a bit of a longshot.
Holy shit.
DR. COMAN
I myself, try to rehabilitate them through different therapy sessions. But as you can imagine, it's a bit of a longshot.
Dr. Coman starts to laugh. James joins in with a nervous fake laugh.
DR. COMAN
Basically, we give them a comfortable life here at the institution so others can be safe. Do you understand?
JAMES
I guess so.
DR. COMAN
Great!
James and Dr. Coman reach the end of the hall way and stops in front of a door. Dr. Coman opens the door.
DR. COMAN
This is the recreational room.
This is the recreational room.
Dr. Coman opens the door. James gets a look inside.
JAMES
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
The room is very large and bathed in the same sterile light as the hallways. The room is scarcely furnished with just metal tables and metal chairs in it. The floor of the room is covered in blood.
DR. COMAN
This is where we encourage the patients to just be themselves.
This is where we encourage the patients to just be themselves.
James looks at Dr. Coman with a scared and confused gaze.
Beat.
DR. COMAN
As you can see, it's quite a mess. I'm going to need you to clean this up.
JAMES
What?
DR. COMAN
Well, you're hired, obviously.
JAMES
... Thanks.
As you can see, it's quite a mess. I'm going to need you to clean this up.
JAMES
What?
DR. COMAN
Well, you're hired, obviously.
JAMES
... Thanks.
Dr. Coman points to a closet at the far end of the room.
DR. COMAN
There's a mop and bucket in the closet over there.
There's a mop and bucket in the closet over there.
Dr. Coman turns around and starts to walk away.
DR. COMAN O.S
Great to have you on board!
Great to have you on board!
James looks at the blood soaked room in awe.
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
Inside the recreational room James is hard at work, cleaning the floor. James stops for a second to look at his progress. There is still a lot of work to do. James sighs. JESSICA, a mid-20's girl, with tattoes and black hair appears in the doorway behind James.
JESSICA
So ---
So ---
James gets startled.
JAMES
Fuck!
JESSICA
You are the new guy?
JAMES
Yeah, I surpose.
Fuck!
JESSICA
You are the new guy?
JAMES
Yeah, I surpose.
James goes back to work on the floor.
JESSICA
I figured, Dr. Coman always puts the new guy to work on the rec. room. I'm Jessica.
JAMES
James.
I figured, Dr. Coman always puts the new guy to work on the rec. room. I'm Jessica.
JAMES
James.
James gets a real look at Jessica as their eyes catch each others. They both smile. James stops working.
JAMES
So, what the hell happend in here?
JESSICA
Don't worry, it's just fake blood.
JAMES
Fake blood. That's... better?
JESSICA
Yeah. Didn't Dr. Coman tell you? This is where they express themselves.
So, what the hell happend in here?
JESSICA
Don't worry, it's just fake blood.
JAMES
Fake blood. That's... better?
JESSICA
Yeah. Didn't Dr. Coman tell you? This is where they express themselves.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
Inside the recreational room, all the "patients" JASON, MICHAEL, LEATHERFACE, PENNYWISE and FREDDY KRUGER are going absolutely crazy on dummies of people. Stabbing, slashing, ripping and biting them while fake blood splatters out.
CUT TO:
INT. ASYLUM RECREATIONAL ROOM - DAY
JESSICA
They are so amazing. Anyway, nice to meet you.
They are so amazing. Anyway, nice to meet you.
Jessica turns around and James follows her with his eyes as she leaves.
JAMES
You too.
You too.
Beat.
JAMES
Amazing?
Amazing?
INT. ASYLUM HALLWAYS - NIGHT
James walks back down the hallway. He looks at all the name signs on the cell doors as he passes them:
FREDDY KRUGER.
MICHAEL MYERS.
JASON VORHEES.
JAMES
This has to be a fucking joke.
This has to be a fucking joke.
PENNYWISE.
LEATHERFACE.
James reach the end of the hallway and turns around the corner. He ends up in front of Dr. Coman's office. He knocks on the door and enters.
INT. ASYLUM DR. COMAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
JAMES
Dr. Coman, I just ---
Dr. Coman, I just ---
Dr. Coman quickly scrambles something off of his desk.
JAMES
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Dr. Coman starts frantically typing on his labtop.
DR. COMAN
Nothing! What do you want? I'm insanely busy!
JAMES
Okay, well, I've cleaned the recreational room and it's 6 o'clock.
Nothing! What do you want? I'm insanely busy!
JAMES
Okay, well, I've cleaned the recreational room and it's 6 o'clock.
Dr. Coman looks up at James while still typing.
DR. COMAN
Yes, of course. I'll see you tomorrow Jim.
JAMES
It's James, actually.
Yes, of course. I'll see you tomorrow Jim.
JAMES
It's James, actually.
Dr. Coman stops typing.
DR. COMAN
Yep.
Yep.
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
James enters his apartment. As he opens the front door and enters the hallway he calls out to his room mate.
JAMES
I'm home!
I'm home!
James takes of his coat and hangs it on a coat hook.
STEVE O.S
Hey bud! How did it go?
Hey bud! How did it go?
James takes off his scarf and hangs it over his coat.
JAMES
It was weird. I mean really, weird. I think they pulled some kind of joke on me. But it was fine basically. I got the job anyway.
STEVE O.S
Great!
It was weird. I mean really, weird. I think they pulled some kind of joke on me. But it was fine basically. I got the job anyway.
STEVE O.S
Great!
James takes off his shoes and starts to walk towards the living room of the apartment.
JAMES
Yeah, there's this girl there, Jessica.
Yeah, there's this girl there, Jessica.
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
James enters the living room but stops in the doorway and addresses his room mate.
JAMES
Is this all you have done today?
Is this all you have done today?
James looks at his room mate, STEVE, a regular toaster, an old and well used toaster, sitting on the couch with a lit cigarette between the grills, watching television.
STEVE
What's wrong with this?
What's wrong with this?
James scouts the living room. It's small and dirty. Scarcely furnished, with just the nessecities; A couch, a table, a television and a computer. The room is messy and lighting is dim.
JAMES
You could at least have cleaned up a bit.
STEVE
Yeah, I really couldn't, James.
You could at least have cleaned up a bit.
STEVE
Yeah, I really couldn't, James.
James enters the living room and slumps down on the couch beside Steve.
STEVE
So who's this Jessica girl?
JAMES
A girl at the asylum.
So who's this Jessica girl?
JAMES
A girl at the asylum.
James picks up a cigarette from a pack on the sofa table and lights it.
STEVE
Don't get involved with a crazy chick, man. Although they are fantastic in the sack, I'll tell you that much!
Don't get involved with a crazy chick, man. Although they are fantastic in the sack, I'll tell you that much!
James turns his head and looks at Steve.
JAMES
And how would you know?
STEVE
I can imagine.
JAMES
Sure. Well, she's not a patient, she's a caretaker like me. She's great. Sweet and beautiful and easy to talk to.
And how would you know?
STEVE
I can imagine.
JAMES
Sure. Well, she's not a patient, she's a caretaker like me. She's great. Sweet and beautiful and easy to talk to.
James lets his attention pan back to the television.
STEVE
Wow, James, Jimmy, Jim, Jimjangles, hold on. Don't tell me you're already in love with this chick?
JAMES
No! Maybe.
STEVE
But Jimmyjammy ---
Wow, James, Jimmy, Jim, Jimjangles, hold on. Don't tell me you're already in love with this chick?
JAMES
No! Maybe.
STEVE
But Jimmyjammy ---
James faces Steve again.
JAMES
Don't call me Jimmyjammy.
STEVE
Still, we've been through all this love shit before. Love doesn't exist, simple as that.
JAMES
I don't believe that.
STEVE
Love is nothing but a chemical reaction in the brain. A malfunction that keeps you from life's real purpose; Sex! lot's of it! You never see me get attached, do you?
Don't call me Jimmyjammy.
STEVE
Still, we've been through all this love shit before. Love doesn't exist, simple as that.
JAMES
I don't believe that.
STEVE
Love is nothing but a chemical reaction in the brain. A malfunction that keeps you from life's real purpose; Sex! lot's of it! You never see me get attached, do you?
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. JAMES' APARTMENT KITCHEN - DAY
Steve is plugged into a wall socket and is turned on. A piece of bread lies on top of him, being toasted.
STEVE
Oh yeah! That's it, that's it baby!
STEVE
God you're hot!
Oh yeah! That's it, that's it baby!
STEVE
God you're hot!
James peaks in from behind the door way.
STEVE
Oh! Baby, I can't --- I'm about to!
STEVE
AH!
Oh! Baby, I can't --- I'm about to!
STEVE
AH!
Steve "plings" as the piece of bread is done toasting.
STEVE
Holy shit! Oh my god, that was great!
Holy shit! Oh my god, that was great!
Beat.
STEVE
So... You can get off now.
So... You can get off now.
CUT TO:
INT. JAMES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
James and Steve are still sitting on the couch.
STEVE
See?
JAMES
Huh? Sorry, I was just thinking about something else.
STEVE
It's already too late, isn't it?
JAMES
What?
STEVE
God damn it!
See?
JAMES
Huh? Sorry, I was just thinking about something else.
STEVE
It's already too late, isn't it?
JAMES
What?
STEVE
God damn it!
END
