feedback for a feature script about college theatre

[BUTL Productions]

Hello. I have been working on the script "Wayward Children," a feature comedy set in the world of college theatre. Would anyone be interested in reading it? I have it up here https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B11eiOqZezwmQTRwMGRpY0JTQVNBMkVLT0Y5MEllZw/edit?pli=1
I plan on hiring a song writer to write the songs for the musical portions of the script, but do not have one yet, so those scenes are a bit bare bones right now. Thanks.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Is Souza the Fratboy? If so, just use SOUZA as your character label. On page 6, you do the same thing with the CREW MEMBERS. There are two schools of thought. One school says if the supporting actors don't speak, they don't get capitalized. Another says you capitalize characters which need to be cast. Personally, when working to cast a film, it helps me to see characters capitalized even if not speaking. But some readers will ding you on it.

I found the dialogue rather slow and dull, but that may simply be me. It was very jumpy. It went from scene to scene but really didn't do much to make me really care for any of the characters. Marvin is the main character though I don't really have any interest in him. He doesn't seem very real. Rather than being active, he is passively carried along.

Okay, I know it's a generational thing. Pokemon just seems a bit out there. It seemed like an excuse to use the Blastoise/Squirtle line. Everything just seems very disjoint and poorly paced. By page 14, my interest fades. Nothing stands out as particularly funny.

I feel you need more character development. Marvin needs to be more active and challenged with a problem. The supporting characters need more description and development in their relationship to Marvin. Part of the problem for me was you threw so many characters at us. Take the time to develop central characters then introduce other characters. Nine characters in 14 pages is a bit too much of a demand. It dilutes the relationships. Take time to build 4 or 5 relationships more deeply that really shape the course of the movie. Yes, they may all play a role, but who are the big 4 or 5. Those are the ones you need to really introduce.

I couldn't finish it. But hopefully this gives you some useful feedback. Good luck.

 

[BUTL Productions]

Is Souza the Fratboy? If so, just use SOUZA as your character label. On page 6, you do the same thing with the CREW MEMBERS. There are two schools of thought. One school says if the supporting actors don't speak, they don't get capitalized. Another says you capitalize characters which need to be cast. Personally, when working to cast a film, it helps me to see characters capitalized even if not speaking. But some readers will ding you on it.

I found the dialogue rather slow and dull, but that may simply be me. It was very jumpy. It went from scene to scene but really didn't do much to make me really care for any of the characters. Marvin is the main character though I don't really have any interest in him. He doesn't seem very real. Rather than being active, he is passively carried along.

Okay, I know it's a generational thing. Pokemon just seems a bit out there. It seemed like an excuse to use the Blastoise/Squirtle line. Everything just seems very disjoint and poorly paced. By page 14, my interest fades. Nothing stands out as particularly funny.

I feel you need more character development. Marvin needs to be more active and challenged with a problem. The supporting characters need more description and development in their relationship to Marvin. Part of the problem for me was you threw so many characters at us. Take the time to develop central characters then introduce other characters. Nine characters in 14 pages is a bit too much of a demand. It dilutes the relationships. Take time to build 4 or 5 relationships more deeply that really shape the course of the movie. Yes, they may all play a role, but who are the big 4 or 5. Those are the ones you need to really introduce.

I couldn't finish it. But hopefully this gives you some useful feedback. Good luck.

Thanks for the feedback. That Souza/Fratboy thing was an error that for someone reason I didn't catch while proofreading. I had originally referred to the character as Fratboy, but then decided to change it while writing a later scene. Unfortunately, I neglected to reflect that change in the opening. If anyone seeing this thread hasn't started on the script yet, use this link https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B11eiOqZezwmVFVwZW9vWi1RVC1RVFJhajY1NUJNZw for a version with that error fixed. Good point about too many characters early on. Looking back on it, it probably makes sense to hold the crew members until the rehearsal scenes at least. Was page 14 specifically the point where you gave up?