Hey man, I'm gonna be as honest as I can.
I should let you know that I'm tired, and not fit to do this, but whatever.
I can't say I enjoyed it very much. The description at the start was clunky and hard to follow, much less visualise. Perhaps it's the sleep depravation, but I have trouble thinking of him cross-legged whilst trying and failing to light a cigarette. It doesn't work out in my head. I had to give all the description a double take as it's all so awkward. I would recommend going the minimalist way. Less is more sorta thing.
Try to put in what's relevant for me at the time. I don't know why the dude looks like some kind of cowboy, and it's not explained soon enough to get in the excerpt, so why mention it, why force me to see it. Just say he looks a cowboy. What's the difference between that and you're description, practically?
Also the entire scene seems kinda pointless. You show me two characters, and they're talking. Forgive me, but I'm not wowed. And then you proceed to give me the Raymond dude's life story.
It's a bit disorientating when it's so fantastical too as you don't set me up at all. Raymond just starts babbling about himself, which Elijah seems to be cool with.
Also I have absolutely no idea who they are. I know Raymond's history, but I have little idea what he's like, and none of what Elijah is like. They seem to be saying whatever you please. They don't give off even a hint of personality. They just talked. Raymond told me all about his miraculous and as of yet unnecessary backstory. And was he living a life before being suddenly born or something? Did you explain this? I didn't see it.
So yeah, I'm not interested at all in your excerpt. I don't have any feelings towards the characters, the story isn't there, you ram me with information and no action (movement in the story, not bullets and explosions), and I have no idea why I should care in the first place. What do I stand to learn? What's the message? I know that seems arbitrary to some but I'm not some, I go to the movies to to see other realities and learn from them, be given new ideas. Not the key to success, look at Michael Bay, but hey, this is my opinion and you're getting it.
So I guess that's my $00.02, keep on writing. I hope I made sense.
