OK first off I'll give bad news. Well not so much bad but...whatever. First I'm not sure about those parenthesised notes. Does it really matter to the story which Great Lake it is. I mean if they mentioned in in their letters it would be justified. Secondly Edmund mentions his loss in faith and god it seems sudden and abrupt. It just pops in like "Hey whats up man? I lost my faith in god this morning, no biggy right. Let's go get lunch."
That's how it read to me when looking through it. Also you may want to mention some more on his loss of faith but don't overdo it. The Aurora Burealis note I didn't think was necessary. I mean whoever is shooting it might be annoyed, they know how to do their job ( I hope ) and will understand how to shoot the scenes in the conditions they are presented with.
I would also like to mention the part where the other man comes into play. I would feel strange reading that. Maybe have Cordelia's voice-over during a scene with Edmund that might show his awkwardness or possible jealously. This could be taken in many directions but I would keep it low key on the drama.
For the good news: My good news is much shorter then my somewhat bad but possibly consturctive news. The short was lively, Edmund's love was like a brightly lit lantern that was only opened partly, which did wonders. The descriptions of action lines would short and sweet, some of the best I've seen even compared to the big guys in Hollywood. Overall loved it.
This review is much longer then the other ones I've given for your shorts because it was your last and I believe you need a good strong opinion on your closing note. This is my 2nd favorite of your short scripts with Found Letter as my first. Keep up the work, I haven't had a chance to read any of your feature lengths and in the future would love too. But never leave out the shorts. The amazing beautiful short can brighten or boost someone's emotion and possibly the entire day. The short can put emotion in a short powerful punch that keeps things rolling without the drawn outness of the feature length.
I'd also love to direct one your shorts. I don't have much experience or much supplies and good actors but your short scripts are great. Contact me at
brogowskia@yahoo.com if you are interested.
