critique Early life of everyone's favorite garden statue - Critique?

[jmurtari]

Folks,

Very new to this. Had the idea of a screenplay for years. Finally ran out of excuses and started writing -- a few more years! Now I think it's ready and trying to tune it up. Entered some contests, did some rewrites. The early life of everyone's favorite garden statue -- Francis of Assisi!

http://BrotherFrancisTheMovie.com/

I think the time is right for his story to be told, but the topic is difficult and I welcome any feedback. The last big film on him was "Brother Sun, Sister Moon" in '72 directed by Franco Zeffirelli.

I've always enjoyed reading & writing. Software is my career, but I've gone through some hard spots, and things could have turned out very, very badly. Read & re-read two works by Nikos Kazantzakis (Last Temptation of Christ & God's Pauper) and they really resonated with me. Restored my sense of faith and allowed me to keep a smile on my face -- John Murtari

 

[FantasySciFi]

Welcome to the forum and sharing your script.

I appreciate the care and crafting you put into the script. I think overall the script has a nice tone that is respectful yet portrays the saint as human. I would make one suggestion.

One thing that was very confusing is the way you kept skipping about. From the old man (Leo) to a flashback in his youth then Francis' early youth to his later youth, then to a dream sequence and so forth. It made it difficult to follow. As a viewer without the benefit of a script, it would seem a random jumble of images. Indeed the animals around Leo at first made me think he was St. Francis. Then the jumping back to Leo's youth. At first I thought I misread the name.

It's generally good practice not to jump into a dream sequence from a flashback or into another flashback from a flashback. It can be done but involves informing the viewer/reader that it's happening. A quick example:

EXT. FOREST LOG - DAY
Leo sits on the log with animals about him.  A bird perches
on his shoulder and chirps.

                     LEO
         Tell you again?  I'm too old.

A rabbit hops to his feet.  With then gentle reluctance, he
begins.

                     LEO
          Francis was always a good
          man.  But a saint?  Well -
          Let me tell you how I met
          him.

                                           FADE TO:

<starts into story>
<scene where Francis confides in Leo>

                      FRANCIS
           There was a girl -

                      LEO
           You Francis, in love?

Francis smiles.

                       FRANCIS
            Her name was Clara

                                       FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. CLARA'S HOME - NIGHT

                      FRANCIS (V.O.)
            I enlisted Sabatino's help.
<serenade scene>
<tailor shop>
...

                      LEO (V.O.)
            So you didn't see her again?

END FLASHBACK:

Francis rolls over to face his friend.
...

                     LEO (V.O.)
         And when the hood pulled back-

                                             FADE TO:
EXT. FOREST LOG - DAY

                     LEO
         It was his Clara asking to join
         the order.

As shadow passes over him.  He looks up with grayed eyes
filled with cataracts.

                     LEO
         Welcome friend. 

The hand reaches down, picks up his staff and gently places
it in his hand.  

A hand is held out and Leo accepts it in gratitude then his 
face widens in joy.

                     FRANCIS 
              (face unseen)
         It's time to come home, Leo.

The grip on the staff loosens and it falls away.

Try not to go more than two deep and make it clear when transitioning.

  Main story ---+-------------+--------------------------------
  Flashback     L________     L__________
  Dream                                  |______

Where you start is where you need to finish. So if you start with Leo, you need to finish with Leo. The main story line is the audience's anchor for knowing where they are in the narrative. When you flashback, you need to return to that point.

Thank you for sharing. Best wishes.

 

[jmurtari]

Thanks for taking the time to read the script -- and especially for including a detailed example of how it should be done. I'd had similar comments in a much earlier version regarding the beginning and thought I had taken care of that, but I'll review again.

I'm concerned about the amount of religious content and also keeping track of the characters. I'd welcome any feedback on that if you have time.

Thanks again for your thoughts-- much appreciated!

John