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Don't know if it's perfect or needs work.

F

Firm1

I've been editing this scene for so long, I can't decide whether it's good or needs work. Obviously the grammar and sentence structuring sucks and the formatting is off because I'm still on my second draft. But disregarding that, does this seem like a nice scene?

Let me give you some back story to help with your critique: A large portal opened up in the sky and is growing larger everyday. Supposedly the World's ending but no one's really sure. Sorin responds to this by getting in his car and driving off until he runs out of gas. He abandons his car and starts hitch hiking. During his journey a woman pulls over and offers him a ride. The following is this scene:

_____________________________________________________________________________________

(10) EXT. MIDDLE OF HIGHWAY – DAY

(A) You see Sorin driving in his car. The window is open. His arm hangs out, as he embraces the country air.

(B) Cut to, his car parked on the side of the highway. The door hangs open and the hood is up. Sorin looks both ways, before continuing on foot.

(C) Sorin continues hitchhiking, now walking up a hill.

(D) He stops at the top of the hill and stares out at the open space.

(E) You see beautiful farmland out in the distance. The sun shines bright, along with the giant portal in the sky.

(F) Sorin continues staring out in the distance, deep in thought. From behind, you can see a pickup truck approaching. He turns around.

(B) The truck slowly comes to a halt right in front of him.

(C) A YOUNG woman rolls the window down. She has STRAWBERRY BLONDE HAIR and PALE SKIN. Her eyes are deep BLUE. She is the same woman from the dream he had in the beginning.

MARISSA
Hey. So, where ya headin?

(D) ECU ON SORIN’S FACE, he is somewhat taken back not by her striking features, but because he feels as though he had met her before.

SORIN
…Nowhere in particular…

(B) ANGLE ON MARISSA.

MARISSA
(smiles)
…That’s cool. Well, nowhere sounds pretty far…You want a lift?

(C) Sorin stands there for a moment, not sure what to do.

(D) Marissa puts the gear into drive.

MARISSA
Last chance…

(E) Sorin stares at her for a couple of seconds before opening the door and getting in.

MARISSA
I’m Marissa.

SORIN
Sorin.

MARISSA
Nice to have met you.

(F) She looks into the rearview mirror, before speeding off onto the highway.

CUT TO:

(13) INT. MARISSA’S CAR – DAY

(A) Sorin stares at Marissa as they drive down the highway.

(B) Marissa takes a pack of cigarettes out and offer’s one to Sorin. He declines.

(C) She takes one out and packs the rest away. As she lights the cigarette, she notices Sorin is still looking at her.

MARISSA
You know, staring at me awkwardly isn’t gonna get you laid.

SORIN
(clears throat)
Sorry. I wasn’t…

(B) Now embarrassed, Sorin turns and looks ahead at the road. Marissa cracks the window.

MARISSA
Relax, I’m just messing with you…

(C) For a moment they awkwardly sit there in silence.

MARISSA
So, where ya from?

SORIN
Baltimore.

MARISSA
That’s bit out of the way…What brought you all the way out here?

SORIN
I don’t know…I Just wanted to get away from all the chaos. So I got in my car and drove off until I ran out of gas.

MARISSA
(laughs)
A real rebel without a cause.

SORIN
(nervous smile)
No..Just a guy who doesn’t know what to do.

(D) She smiles at this. They continue driving in silence.

SORIN
…So, what about you?

MARISSA
What about me?

SORIN
Well, what are you doing out here?

MARISSA
Same reason as you…Just wanted to get away from it all. But truthfully, I kinda always wanted to get away from my shitty life.

SORIN
Why was your life so shitty?

MARISSA
…

SORIN
I’m sorry. I was out of line. We don’t have to talk about it.

MARISSA
No. It’s ok. Probably the same story you’ve heard before. Dwelled in a family that was never there. Got into some trouble and somehow ended up in a void full of vice and aimless wandering. Now, I’m just trying to figure it out.

(E) Marissa looks troubled as they continue driving in silence.

MARISSA
…I mean, what do you do with yourself when you already have everything?

SORIN
I don’t know…

MARISSA
(Sarcastic)
Yeah…Nevermind. Let’s just forget it.

(F) For a moment, they continue driving in silence. Sorin looks somewhat confused. He turns back and looks at her.


SORIN
…I’m sorry, this is going to sound a little strange, but..have we met before?

MARISSA
No. I don’t think so…Maybe in a different life.

SORIN
Do you believe in that?

MARISSA
I don’t really know what I believe in..But, I do believe a large portal opened up in the sky..So, anything’s possible.

SORIN
(Laughs)
Yeah…

(E) Sorin looks out the window, towards the large portal in the sky.

SORIN
…I suppose you’re right.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
 
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I get the impression that this scene is supposed to be pivotal in the movie, but there is no payoff. The scene drags and is a tad disjointed. I think that I can imagine what you see in your head when you think about this scene, but I shouldn't think I see it, it should be clear. It seems like a story that I would like to see, full of promise and potential. Good luck.
 
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Lucky Hardwood said:
I get the impression that this scene is supposed to be pivotal in the movie, but there is no payoff. The scene drags and is a tad disjointed. I think that I can imagine what you see in your head when you think about this scene, but I shouldn't think I see it, it should be clear. It seems like a story that I would like to see, full of promise and potential. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Well, if by pivotal you mean a part of the movie that drives the audience to the end of the movie, sure. But, I wouldn't classify it as the most important scene. It's really just an introduction to Marissa. You find more out about her later on.

So, specifically what parts do you feel is draggy and disjointed and what would you do to improve them?

Thanks for the feedback btw.
 
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I enjoyed how you introduced Marissa's character. I learned a lot from both the dialogue and a few simple visual images. Kudos.

Altogether it works well but I can't see the big picture and I would need to understand the complete plot line before I can make any story criticism.

My only suggestion is to keep editing and keep writing.
 
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Wolverine237 said:
I enjoyed how you introduced Marissa's character. I learned a lot from both the dialogue and a few simple visual images. Kudos.

Altogether it works well but I can't see the big picture and I would need to understand the complete plot line before I can make any story criticism.

My only suggestion is to keep editing and keep writing.
Click to expand...

Thanks man. I'll definitely keep chipping away at it.

But yeah, the story is about this guy who lives in this desolate town for as long as he can remember. He has re-occurring dreams of a past life that he can't remember and constantly ponders about his isolation and why he's the only person in a town fit for thousands.

The rest of the movie explains this question by exploring that past life. In his past life a strange portal appears in the sky causing social anarchy to erupt. As everyone runs around freaking out, the main character locks himself up and pretty much does nothing at first until he comes across an old book his grandfather left him, which prompts him to go downstairs where the rest of the books dwelled in boxes.

Anyway, long story short, his house gets looted, he almost dies, which causes him to get in his car and drive off partly because he wanted to be safer, but partly because he kind of wanted to see as much of the World as he could before he died. He runs out of gas, decides to hitch hike the rest of the way. That's when he runs into Marissa.
 
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