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do your worst!

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

So, finished up mini screenplay for a short, that i'll be shooting this saturday for a competition.

Rules: Need to make 1:30 min long "cliffhanger" video, so i was trying to build up a suspence in a page and a half :-S


As im rewriting it, it feels like the 1st scene (kitchen), story set up, is too long and overpowering 2nd scene (shed).
But as i begin to shorten the 1st scene, stuff stop making sense..


PS. JB is "Justing Beiber".. and yes.. its a movie about justin beiber. well, more like about psychopatic justing beiber fan lol

screenplay
 
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INT. KITCHEN

Wife (20s), on the phone, throws large stack of bills on
kitchen table.

WIFE
No mom, we don’t have any.. we
needed to give Marylin 15,000 for
surgery.. yea his aunt.

In betwen letters, a small parcel, addressed to husband.

WIFE
No, haven’t seen him.. mom, he
didn’t leave me..

Tears open the parcel, and looks inside.

WIFE
He’s been working a lot in.. the..
shed.

Carefuly reaches inside, and pulls out a baggie stuffed with
HAIR.

WIFE
(concerned)
Hold.. Hold on Mom, I ll call you
right back.

Hangs up the phone, and unfolds attached paper.

Paper reads:

"PURCHASE RECEIPT"

"JUSTIN’S HAIR.......$15,000"

WIFE
What the hell?!

EXT. YARD - SAME DAY

Wife storms towards the shed.

WIFE
Mark! Get outta there! Now!

Pushes the door open.

2.

INT. SHED - SAME DAY

Wife steps in, as she feels the wall for a switch.

WIFE

Mark?

Lights tun on and she freezes: walls, window, and shelves
are covered in JB memorabilia.

As wife cautiously walks through the shed, she notices a
towel on the wall. Yanks down the cloth, and uncovers their
wedding photo, only wife’s head replaced with JB’s.

WIFE
(confusion)
Uhhhhhh... .what?

Wife hears some noise and, startled, turns around.

Husband, dressed in JB clothes, stands in the entry shack.

HUSBAND
(autotuned)
Why won’t you come with me tonight!

EXT. YARD - SAME DAY

Shed door slams shut.
HUSBAND (V.O)
(autotuned)
My Baby.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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dlevanchuk said:
As im rewriting it, it feels like the 1st scene (kitchen), story set up, is too long and overpowering 2nd scene (shed).
But as i begin to shorten the 1st scene, stuff stop making sense..

PS. JB is "Justing Beiber".. and yes.. its a movie about justin beiber. well, more like about psychopatic justing beiber fan lol
Click to expand...

To heighten suspense, you need to create contrast. I would do a bit more set up in the visual and actions so you don't rely on the phone conversation.

Code: 
EXT.  SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

WIFE (20s) heads to the mailbox.  In the side yard is a small shed from which 
there emerges various clanks and pounding.  Faintly some music is heard under 
the sounds.

She removes the bills and ads.  Her brows furrow as she reaches in and pulls 
out a small package.

                                                   WIFE
                         (calls to shed)
                 Honey!

No response.  She shakes her head and returns to the house.

So now you've introduced the elements by setting up expectations immediately. Now you launch into your kitchen scene and you don't have to do as much work.

Code: 
INT.  KITCHEN - DAY

Wife enters the kitchen, sorts through the mail and sets the package on the table.  

PHONE RINGS.

                               WIFE
             Hi mom. ... Really? ...  So how's dad?

She wanders over to the sink and glances over at the shed.

[color="green"]  OPTIONAL 8<    --------
                                WIFE
             Well, I'd like to help Jeff but we're financially
             strapped too. ...

She returns and sits.  
--------------------------------
[/color]
Her hand lingers over the small parcel addressed to her husband.

                                 WIFE
              Well, we loaned his aunt $15,000 to help
              cover hospital expenses. ...

Tears open the parcel, and looks inside.

Carefully reaches and pulls out a baggie stuffed with hair.  A folded note
falls out with it.

                                 WIFE
                       (concerned)
               Mom, I'll need to call you back.

Hangs up the phone and unfolds the paper.

Paper reads:          PURCHASE RECEIPT
                         JUSTIN’S HAIR.......$15,000

She turns back and looks at one of the ads for a JB DVD, another for JB video.

Her hand closes tightly about the bag.  She stands and heads towards the
kitchen door.

Okay, you did the setup, now you launch into your cliffhanger sequence. Now you did a good job with that. I would probably add a couple more visual touches. The only major change I'd do is to have him hold an axe or chainsaw or something a bit more menacing.

Code: 
                                 WIFE
            Mark?

Lights turn on and she freezes.

The walls, window, and shelves are covered in JB memorabilia.  

On the table is something head shaped under a blanket.  She moves towards it
slowly.

CREAK.

She turns about.  

She notices a towel on the wall. 

Moving to it cautiously, she reaches forward, then stops.

She swallows and reaches up, yanks down the cloth, and uncovers their wedding 
photo.  Her head is replaced with JB’s.

Wife hears the door swing open.  She jumps and turns around.

A figure is silohuetted in the doorframe holding an axe.  It steps inside revealing
her husband, dressed in JB clothes now standing in the entry.

Slowing down the pacing heightens the suspense and tension. Obviously the audience is split now between the horror like pacing and the absurdity of JB. Having the "head" under the towel and the "head" missing in the photo can lead the audience to think maybe he's going to chop off her head. After all, why did he need Justin's hair? You can twist up that ending in the conclusion.

Excellent fun! Good work.
 
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holy crap!

Your version is way awesome!!

I had really hard time with 1st scene, to build it up.. Didn't really know how to make it catchy.. Weird sounds coming from the shed is definitely a great hook.

Mind if I'll use some element as a backbone, and build little bit more around it?
 
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