Hello, I have a short film script that I just completed, looking for someone to read it and give me your thoughts. Don't be kind, crush me with your critiques so I can improve! Please provide email so I may email pdf to you. Thanks for your time!
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critique Critique my short film script
- Thread starter gotenks626
- Start date
oh yes ok! No problem.
You may now see the PDF file here: http://freepdfhosting.com/253fd009b1.pdf
Any comments, criticisms, whatever you wish to say are ALL welcome. I'm just a student trying to improve. Thanks again for all of your time.
You may now see the PDF file here: http://freepdfhosting.com/253fd009b1.pdf
Any comments, criticisms, whatever you wish to say are ALL welcome. I'm just a student trying to improve. Thanks again for all of your time.
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Please appreciate that I read to page 17 not the entire script. There were some basic format errors: repeated capitalization of names, the use of 'END.', etc. You really don't need the transitions "FADE IN(TO)", etc. in a spec script.
The level of description could have been a bit better for the characters. It wasn't obvious on page 4 that Timmy and Amy were Asian American. The characters come across as flat and stereotypical. I found the dialogue on p. 7 very artificial and forced to the point of being expository. Typically the response would be "No comment at this time." A news conference would be held later by a superior. For me, these make the pacing a bit slow.
There also some plot glitches that start to form. I find it hard to believe that Amy knows Sung but is unaware of Timmy's connection with Liu, Sung's father and Timmy's mentor. Amy heard the news report too. And if the authorities know Liu has a son, why didn't they have someone track him when they went to make the swoop on his father? How did the reporter know? After his father died, they didn't follow him? The Triad (three families?) would really have a hereditary leader rather than an elected or rotating leader? Sung has no followers loyal to him? It seems illogical for Elders to move against Sung without first neutralizing his power base. It seems equally illogical for Sung to then kill the new BHB king's family. Then p. 16, enter the absurd.
Timmy comes home to find his wife dead. Rather than call the police, he wraps up her body, cleans up the blood and calls his marijuana smoking friend Leroy, Sung's half brother. At that point the credibility boundaries snapped.
It needs some work on dialogue, pacing, plot continuity (and believability), character development and formatting. While not a movie that interests me, the script has potential but it still very much in the rough.
The level of description could have been a bit better for the characters. It wasn't obvious on page 4 that Timmy and Amy were Asian American. The characters come across as flat and stereotypical. I found the dialogue on p. 7 very artificial and forced to the point of being expository. Typically the response would be "No comment at this time." A news conference would be held later by a superior. For me, these make the pacing a bit slow.
There also some plot glitches that start to form. I find it hard to believe that Amy knows Sung but is unaware of Timmy's connection with Liu, Sung's father and Timmy's mentor. Amy heard the news report too. And if the authorities know Liu has a son, why didn't they have someone track him when they went to make the swoop on his father? How did the reporter know? After his father died, they didn't follow him? The Triad (three families?) would really have a hereditary leader rather than an elected or rotating leader? Sung has no followers loyal to him? It seems illogical for Elders to move against Sung without first neutralizing his power base. It seems equally illogical for Sung to then kill the new BHB king's family. Then p. 16, enter the absurd.
Timmy comes home to find his wife dead. Rather than call the police, he wraps up her body, cleans up the blood and calls his marijuana smoking friend Leroy, Sung's half brother. At that point the credibility boundaries snapped.
It needs some work on dialogue, pacing, plot continuity (and believability), character development and formatting. While not a movie that interests me, the script has potential but it still very much in the rough.
The dialogue and descriptions need a lot of work.
You have far too much expositional dialogue.
Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php
Your writing needs to be much tighter:
Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php
Dialogue advice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php
You use lots of passive voice (which is dull to read). Professional screenwriters use active voice, not passive.
Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php
The passive voice, dialogue, necessarily long descriptions killed it for me. Pros don't write this way... You need to learn pro screenwriting techniques if you want to sell, land an agent or write a great screenplay.
Screenwriting is Not Novel Writing
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/screenwriting-is-not-novel-writing.php
You have far too much expositional dialogue.
Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php
Your writing needs to be much tighter:
Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php
Dialogue advice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php
You use lots of passive voice (which is dull to read). Professional screenwriters use active voice, not passive.
Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php
The passive voice, dialogue, necessarily long descriptions killed it for me. Pros don't write this way... You need to learn pro screenwriting techniques if you want to sell, land an agent or write a great screenplay.
Screenwriting is Not Novel Writing
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/screenwriting-is-not-novel-writing.php
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These notes help SO much, thank you FantasySciFi. I will definitely be taking your notes in as I re-write many parts in this film. I absolutely agree there are so many parts that are hard to follow by the audience. I'll be working on this and posting the script once again after revisions are complete later in Feb.
These notes and links you provided will help VERY much in my revision. I'll implement your critiques and show you a better version next month. Thanks again IndiePaul!