If you're shooting this yourself, it's fine. If you are going to try to sell or option this, there are some basic errors that will cause problems. In assessing scripts there are three main areas: format, story, and structure. I'm not trying to be a hard-ass here, I just want you to know what you're going to encounter if you try to have someone else read this, say an agent or studio.
I'll start with FORMAT.
A spec script has NO camera direction--Camera freeze, Continuous Shot, Close up.
You are capitalizing sound effects that really don't need to be capitalized like "he LAUGHED". Use capitalization sparingly. In scanning your script, I'd say none of the action/description needs to have capitalized words.
"We are back at the kitchen table where the freeze frame left off in the previous scene." In a spec screenplay you avoid using "We ... ". This is simply a slugline:
INT. KITCHEN TABLE - PRESENT
Your dialogue is too back and forth ("talking heads"). Put some action in between the dialogue to help break it up.
Also don't put action into parentheticals. Like on p.5 where MARK (slams his fist on the table...). That's an action and needs to be on an action line.
The action lines on p. 11 can be broken out more.
"Mark turns around to the Thug 3. Thug 3 reaches around his waist and pulls out a gun. Mark does the same, getting a shot off before he is able to pull the trigger killing him." Would probably better be:
"Mark turns around to the Thug 3.
Thug 3 reaches around his waist and pulls out a gun.
Mark does the same, getting a shot off before he is able to pull the trigger, killing him."
There are lots of other minor points, but those are the most frequent problems.
Regarding STRUCTURE. Structure is basically the flow and pacing. While most linear stories have some claim to an "act structure", non-linear stories abound. Your use of the flashback introduces some non-linear elements to your story structure. It also deals with content germane to the story.
One major problem with someone else (or you) producing this, is you have lots of rights and permissions you will need to pay to obtain--clip from Reservoir Dogs, music clips, permission of McDonalds, etc. These are major copyright, trademark, and service mark issues.
The dialogue drags on page 2 and 3. It's pacing would be picked up if you cut out a lot of the extra words and interspersed some actions. The pacing kept drawing it out longer and longer. It was laborous to get to page 7. Honestly, they keep talking, saying the same thing. A lot of it could be cut out and you'd get the same effect. I don't mean that to say you write poorly. For a first script, you've done a good job. It just reads like a beginner's script. The good news is that it can be improved.
I found the use of flashbacks here really annoying. This has been discussed in other threads on this forum, but flashbacks should be used sparingly. Here, they don't really serve much for enhancing the story.
Now to STORY. This is the backbone of a script.
I was apathetic to the characters. They were very sterile, flat. As such, I really didn't care what happened to them. That's bad news for a movie. You want the audience to be interested in your characters which means making them a bit 3D. They start off as shallow and end/die as shallow. The whole plot seems to move forward except for interruptions. You could have used non-linear storytelling to better effect.
Non-Linear re-telling:
D. DRIVING BACK IN THE CAR ** Here's where you introduce some concern for characters
C. MEETING UP WITH HUMBERTO
B. FINDING THE COCAINE BRICKS
A. PARTYING IN THE HOUSE ** Here's where you show how innocent they were ("the change"/arc)
E. STUMBLING INTO THE HOUSE AND BEING KILLED (this picks up from your fade to black in D)
As a pseudo-linear story, it just kind of plods forward.
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Okay, so I've given you the nuts-n-bolts critique. I think it has good potential. And if you want to film it yourself, you can ignore the formatting suggestions. I'd pay attention to the structure and story comments, though. You're welcome to ignore any or all suggestions. Overall, I think you did a great job on a first script. My comments aren't meant to hurt your feelings or insult your ability, but to help point out areas where you will be judged professionally as you advance in your screenwriting and offer suggestions.
Good luck.
