Clumsy script?

[dlevanchuk]

So, I've been working on this short screenplay for some time, but it still reads just so clumsy, and doesn't really have an easy flow.

It makes a good short in my head, but as I'm reading it - it doesn't flow right..

Any suggestions? Maybe its the idea that seems interesting to me, but something is wrong with its delivery..

Rends - 5 pages

Any feedback is appreciated, feel free to destroy it.

 

[Cracker Funk]

I like it. I love the dialogue between the dudes. But you're right -- it needs more.

First off, "titties" is a real word. I loved the back-and-forth of them playing their game. But then, when we learned that neither one of them knew what a titty was -- that kinda lost me. I get it, they're so nerdy that they never see any tits, but in my experience, the nerdier a dude is, and the less he sees tits, the more he becomes infatuated with them, exponentially.

My main issue with this short, however, is that it doesn't have 3 acts, and I'm a big fan of that structure. For a micro-short, I think it's totally cool to ignore the 3-act structure, but for something that's a few minutes long, I personally think you really need to introduce a central conflict, immediately, and then move into the 2nd act quickly.

 

[dlevanchuk]

I was playing with the idea where these two characters were so obsessed with words that they knew absolutely nothing practical about the world outside of scrabble.

This short, of course, is unrealistic scenario, and yes, "Titties" is an official scrabble word, but I was still wondering if I could pull it off, and fool the audience Maybe, maybe not..

I agree about 3act structure. Maybe thats why the whole thing reads awkard, because there isn't a specific unifying goal..


Thank you very much for looking over, and confirming my doubtful opinion.
Back to the board!



EDIT:

Maybe, instead of "Titties" being an unknown word - it should become a "Holy Word, word thats neither of them worthy speaking of"... hmmm.. wonder where that will take this

 

[Chrisk]

You might get away with the premise if they were foreign students.
Other than that you will need a much more obscure word, some specialised street slang that viewers would recognise but nerds would not of been familiar with.
I am a bit old to provide hip street slang but something like 'punani' often used in reggae dancehall but relatively unknown outside of that genre of music. Has a slight latin ring to it too so would fit in nice to your script but a very old term now and probably not in circulation.

 

[dlevanchuk]

After going through different scenarios, I think I got it..

So after the word "Badoinkies", will appear on the scrabble board, and Filbert will say "That. Thats not a word!", insert a scene with Milton sitting in the park, studying his Scrabble notes. A beautiful girl runs by with big breasts, and Milton hears the comment from one of the guys behind him "Wohoa, dude, check out those Badoinkies"... or something of that sort.

Thats how Milton will hear the unknown word to him.



And yes... that will give me an excuse to get some..uhm... ahem... shots of "props".. ahem.
Good god i love filmmaking lol

 

[rayw]

I can't imagine a child, male or female, past the age of thirteen in an English speaking language that can use the word "ain't" (pg 2, FILBERT) but doesn't know what "titties" are.

This entire line is an oxymoron:

[FONT="Courier New"]                  FILBERT
      That. Titties. That ain’t word![/FONT]

What a sad little world these boys live in.


No offense to anyone with such in the family, but these two Scrabble Whizz-ards sound like they're mentally challenged.

 

[dlevanchuk]

thanks for the comments and opinions! i got to get the solid structure down first..

 

[Ponty301]

Instead of having a cut to a flashback showing how he heard the word, I think you should have Milton and Filbert leave their home after the game and go out somewhere doing something. They then end up hearing two dudes say badoinkies after a hot girl walks by them. Then, Milton can prove to Filbert that people say it. Filbert would respond with a "well, it's not in the rules" or something.

 

[dlevanchuk]

thats an interesting suggestion! I ll see where it will take the story.