archived-videos Cell Phone Monologue

dmontgom

dmontgom

I love this concept from Sonnyboo, and I don't know if I'm doing it justice since his description says it combines the monologue with "stellar" camera work. I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'm gonna keep working at it.

Anyway, when I read the concept of the cell phone monologue I fell in love with the idea, and I came up with 5 different cell phone conversations that all surround one character, Mark Miller. The other 4 conversations will each be filmed with different characters in the future. But this, chronologically, is the 4th in Mark's story.

Here is "The Payback."

I hope you all like it. Any and all feedback is welcome!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDaad2gb2bs
 
Upvote 0
Not half bad!

However, I'd drop the title at the start (it's tacky, go for a simple white on black if you can't get proper design). Drop the fades. Could use some colour grading, i think.
 
cheeseandachallenge said:
Not half bad!
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Thanks!

cheeseandachallenge said:
However, I'd drop the title at the start (it's tacky, go for a simple white on black if you can't get proper design). Drop the fades. Could use some colour grading, i think.
Click to expand...

All very good points. I mulled over the title at the beginning, and went about it several different ways... I didn't consider a simple white on black because I thought it might be washed out with the light through the trees. I also tried cutting without the fades and I liked it better with the fades. I tried to make them quick and subtle though, but I guess not quick/subtle enough. Color grading? Of all my weaknesses (and there are plenty) this is definitely one of my weakest weaknesses... I may go back and re-do this film just for the editing/color grading practice.

Thanks for the input!
 
ChimpPhobiaFilms said:
Color grading does need some work.

A bit bright, and the contrast seems very low.
Click to expand...

Holy crap... how did I not catch this. Maybe I need more sleep. As I was doing the color grading I was going through the different options in Vegas and I was looking at it thinking "something else needs to be done, it looks a little washed out but this seems to be the best I can get it... I guess I'll just have to go with it."

Duh, brightness and contrast hadn't been adjusted at all. So obvious, so simple.

I'm definitely going to take another crack at this.

Can y'all tell I'm still a newb?:rolleyes:
 
I have desperately tried to assemble words in both insulting and educating manner in order to show how sinful is it to make boring exposition monologue films but after deleting my post for the 5th time I have officially given up
 
baoliun said:
I have desperately tried to assemble words in both insulting and educating manner in order to show how sinful is it to make boring exposition monologue films but after deleting my post for the 5th time I have officially given up
Click to expand...

I appreciate the honesty... I think? lol
 
Looks good. I think more variation in the camera angles and a few close ups would improve it. And it feels as though Miller himself doesn't know what he's talking about--it's too ambiguous, perhaps. With a minimal story, you could experiment with having the location tie more directly with the dialogue or something.

Did you get the gun sound from soundbible.com? I used almost that exact same sound in a movie a few years ago.
 
KnightsFan said:
Looks good. I think more variation in the camera angles and a few close ups would improve it. And it feels as though Miller himself doesn't know what he's talking about--it's too ambiguous, perhaps. With a minimal story, you could experiment with having the location tie more directly with the dialogue or something.

Did you get the gun sound from soundbible.com? I used almost that exact same sound in a movie a few years ago.
Click to expand...

Hmm... good advice on the camera angles and close ups... I agree that would have made it better. I was intentionally vague in the script, as I plan on doing a few more of these with other characters that help fill in Mark's back story.

The gun sound? Oddly enough, I couldn't for the life of me remember where I got it from, but I just went to that site and yeah I recognized it in an instant, that's where I got it from.
 
HaloUnionProductions said:
I didn't love the transitions, but overall very nice video. Nice camera work, loved the chaotic feel. Loved the writing. Definitely loved the acting.
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Thanks, I think that's my first compliment on my writing, I'll take it. I'm getting lots of good responses about the acting. My wife (worlds toughest critic) was impressed with Robin.

sonnyboo said:
Great work, sir!
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Thanks! I'm glad I came across your cell phone monologues, love the concept!
 
Overall the sound isn't too bad at all. The dialog is clear and understandable. I'm assuming that the Foley (footsteps) was the production sound; definitely okay.

I would have added some birds, which would have stopped with the first gunshot, slowly resumed, stopped with the next gunshot, etc. This (IMHO) would have added to the tension.

Maybe a flight of birds leaving the area after the first shot.

I would have added cell phone sounds at 00:20.

You need small body sounds when he leans/bumps/rubs against trees.

Weapons Foley @ 02:02 - Pull out (holster, waistband)? Definitely cocking the weapon to emphasize his fear just before "Baby, don't do this."

The "death shot" needs to be much bigger.

Even though you go to black after he is shot I would have put in a body fall.

The slow-mo of the arm was much too long. About half that length (or less) would have been better and could have been enhanced by Foley/sound effects.

The additional gunshots are unneeded. Maybe one more with body impact sounds and blood/brains splatter.

After the final shot - Footsteps walking away? Weapon de-cock? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....


There were a lot of things you could have played with during the mix, but that's an art form that takes time to master.


Overall, not bad, not bad at all.
 
Alcove Audio said:
Overall the sound isn't too bad at all. The dialog is clear and understandable. I'm assuming that the Foley (footsteps) was the production sound; definitely okay.

I would have added some birds, which would have stopped with the first gunshot, slowly resumed, stopped with the next gunshot, etc. This (IMHO) would have added to the tension.

Maybe a flight of birds leaving the area after the first shot.

I would have added cell phone sounds at 00:20.

You need small body sounds when he leans/bumps/rubs against trees.

Weapons Foley @ 02:02 - Pull out (holster, waistband)? Definitely cocking the weapon to emphasize his fear just before "Baby, don't do this."

The "death shot" needs to be much bigger.

Even though you go to black after he is shot I would have put in a body fall.

The slow-mo of the arm was much too long. About half that length (or less) would have been better and could have been enhanced by Foley/sound effects.

The additional gunshots are unneeded. Maybe one more with body impact sounds and blood/brains splatter.

After the final shot - Footsteps walking away? Weapon de-cock? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....


There were a lot of things you could have played with during the mix, but that's an art form that takes time to master.


Overall, not bad, not bad at all.
Click to expand...

I had the idea of getting a shot of birds scattering on the first gunshot, and then cutting to him running, but decided against it.

The slow-mo was something I agonized over. I probably watched that over and over about 100 times at various speeds. I guess when in doubt I'm gonna have to tell myself to go a little quicker instead of slower.

All the Foley sounds, wow, a lot more I could have done that I didn't even think of. The sound of the gun being drawn/cocking... I'm kicking myself for not thinking of that. Sound is definitely an art form. I'll just have to keep practicing. :)

Thanks for the excellent feedback, definitely useful!
 
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