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can someone look over my script

Hey guys I have never actually filming a short film and I have finally finished my first script. Dialoge is one thing I really struggle with and overall detail. So i was wondering if someone could look over it and tell me what the strong and weak points are and give me a few tips. I lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes were made and it is probably the most rough script you've ever read, just forewarning you.
 
A lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes were made and it is probably the most rough script you've ever read, just forewarning you.
It's only fair to correct as many of those types of mistakes prior to asking others for help out of their own unpaid time. It's easy to run a spelling checker through your work. Not doing so, and not proof reading it well says you don't respect your own work or our time.
 
It's only fair to correct as many of those types of mistakes prior to asking others for help out of their own unpaid time. It's easy to run a spelling checker through your work. Not doing so, and not proof reading it well says you don't respect your own work or our time.
I did proof read it but trust me I am terrible at writing is what I was trying to say. When I proof read it not all the words that were spelled wrong were marked as wrong.
 
I did proof read it but trust me I am terrible at writing is what I was trying to say. When I proof read it not all the words that were spelled wrong were marked as wrong.

If you are terrible at writing? Why are you writing a script?

The world has enough writers. Be a sound guy. The world needs more good sound recordists ;)
 
Well I mean I'm terrible at it but i want to make my own stuff and i don't mind writing, I'm just not very good at it, but I can get better

What do you hope to achieve with your script?

...A movie created from it?

...An exercise in writing skills?

...Just satisfying a creative need?

...Practice for future writings?

...Not sure? just giving this screenplay thing a try.

...Other?

-Birdman
 
What do you hope to achieve with your script?

...A movie created from it?

...An exercise in writing skills?

...Just satisfying a creative need?

...Practice for future writings?

...Not sure? just giving this screenplay thing a try.

...Other?

-Birdman
I hope to film it once I can get some people and plan it all out
 
I hope to film it once I can get some people and plan it all out

Well, with that in mind ...I'll have to agree with several others who have responded. If it is chocked full of spelling and grammatical errors, a producer would toss it in the garbage can. It's okay to have a script that "needs improvement" and seek advice from others. People will be glad to help in that area (and probably more than you'd like!). ...But at the very least you have to knock out the spelling and grammar issues before recruiting help from others.

Can't you get a proof reader to help out? Family member? College Professor? ....Someone who' not interested in content as much as correcting your writing?

-Birdman
 


I take it that the viewer is supposed to first think "This poor boy is in big trouble" and then by the end think, "Wow, that little shit can kick some ass!"?

baolium is suggesting that witnessing a drug deal is not serious enough to get you dragged off to appear before a Drug Lord. I think he's correct. Hell, I see them going off as I drive down the street. In fact, if you do see one, they'll probably ask you if you want to buy some too.

Perhaps if you had the boy witnessing something far more heinous? Maybe something involving a politician? ...a bad cop? ...Something that would require the kid getting carted off.

Technical Issues:

(1) You need periods after some of your sentences.

(2) Cap the names of your characters when they first appear.

(3) Proper names get capped first letter. No all-caps within dialogue. --Underline for emphasis instead.

(4) Some of your sentences are disjointed.

Last suggestion:

Mary Wolfe asked him at the beginning to "Be quick.". You could end it with him returning to the house and Mary asking him why it took him so long. ...I'll leave Shaun's catchy response up to you.

Comments:

You have a start now, which is great. I'm not sure how much you believe in it, though. I don't feel "heart and soul" was weaved into it. I may end up with people saying the same thing about my script. Who knows? .....But if your heart and soul isn't found within it, it won't go anywhere. Time is valuable. If you want people's time spent on your creation, then you have to move them.

-Birdman
 
Hey guys I have never actually filming a short film and I have finally finished my first script. Dialoge is one thing I really struggle with and overall detail. So i was wondering if someone could look over it and tell me what the strong and weak points are and give me a few tips. I lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes were made and it is probably the most rough script you've ever read, just forewarning you.

First, it's cool that you're interested in writing a short, hopefully to film yourself. As you write and shoot more, you'll get more experience. As a filmmaker, the script serves as a blueprint for the movie. Since making a movie requires knowing how many actors, locations, props, effects as well as what might need to be budgeted, scripts are workhorses. That's why good scripts are so uncommon as they so seamlessly integrate all these functions into "story". It's part art (inspiration) and part craft (practice).

A screenplay consists of three major elements: format, structure and story. I would strongly recommend that you pick up a book on screenwriting to learn the basics. The format consists of spelling, grammar as well as layout issues. You have multiple of those. Structure and story often go hand-in-hand but structure is more about pacing and presentation. Story, well, that's the meat of the script.

To help you understand, I'll address each of those components.

FORMAT
In reading the first few pages, I noticed problems in all three areas. "Marry" for "Mary", "shuan" for "Shaun". Poor capitalization. ALWAYS CHECK SPELLING AND GRAMMAR. It's not that everyone is a frustrated writer or English teacher. We all make mistakes. But if a writer doesn't take enough care to in the very beginning, it's hard to imagine that they'll give any care to the rest of the work. The script is a preview of the movie. If it's a 'crummy trailer', it will be hard to sell the reader to continue let alone make it into a 'crummy movie'.

Frequent use of the present progressive ("is walking"). Unhelpful adverbs--"terribly", "swiftly". What is important to understand is that in a script everything is happening for the first time. So "Shaun walks" (active present) is shorter and as accurate as "Shaun is walking" (present progressive). And as pointed out, capitalization and punctuation are very important, especially when introducing characters.

Lack of description of individuals and locations. SHAUN'S HOUSE is really too generic since it includes the kitchen, bedroom and hallway. Each of these deserves its own slugline though, in this case, there is an alternative way of addressing this. But as a new writer, it is better to specifically note each location. The slugline is used by the producer to scout locations and helps in tracking shots. What do these people look like and how old are they? Is Shaun 17 or 10? While the producer and director will do the casting, it helps to give them some idea of what the character looks like in your mind.

Be careful with parentheticals. I noticed that you have a couple. In CeltX, after the parenthetical, hit the return key to jump back into 'dialogue'. There are keyboard shortcuts for changing the modes, but for most basic formatting, just be attentive. It's best to not over describe the character's reactions. This allows the actor some flexibility for interpreting the character. Often the reaction is evident from the situation.

The "industry standard format" is anything but standardized. However, you will find many things are expected, especially if you intend to sell or option it. David Trottier's Screenwriting Bible is one of the most comprehensive guides for questions about format.

STRUCTURE
Screenplays have limited length unlike books. You have to be a creative genius in no more than 120 pages and often less. Story is where your creativity comes in. Structure is where your craft comes in to make the creativity fit. In a properly formatted script, one page is roughly one minute of screen time.

Most screenplays have "three acts". At the simplest level, act one is the birth or introduction of the story and characters. Act two is the life of the story and characters and is filled with the main action. Act three is the death or conclusion of the story. Structure fits over the story to keep the pace steady. The length of each segment can vary but, like a Bell curve, generally the length ratios are 1:2:1. So for a 100 page script, it will run for about 100 minutes or 1:40. The first 25 minutes introduces the characters and movie challenge, the next 50 minutes covers resolving that challenge which leads to a new challenge, and the last 25 minutes is resolving that final challenge and the characters being changed as a result. If I have a 4 page short, then the first page introduces everything, the next two describe the action, and the final page resolves it. You should be proud. You were able to get your acts laid out pretty closely.

The problem--yeah, you knew it was coming--is the pacing. You have some visual actions broken out clearly. Others you lumped into paragraphs and really need to be broken out.
Code:
The Drug Lord opens the door and yells but doesn’t see
Shaun, who is out of sight. Shaun lunges at the Drug Lord
forcing him to the ground. The Drug Lord manages to get on
top of Shaun and moves his knife towards him.
Shaun gets one of his hands free and uses it to stab the
Drug Lord in the eye with the knife. The Drug Lord rolls
over and screams. As Shaun runs out the door he takes out
the first guy he sees, steals his gun and shoots the second
guy until the clip is empty. He manages to find his way to
the door.
Should be broken up to better reflect the shots the viewer might see:
Code:
The Drug Lord opens the door, spots the empty chair and yells. 

Shaun, crouched behind a crate, lunges at the Drug Lord
forcing him to the ground, where they wrestle about.

The Drug Lord slides on top of Shaun and moves his knife 
towards him.  A sudden twist causes the knife to fall to
the side.  

The Drug Lord's hand grabs Shaun's throat.

Shaun frees a hand which paws the ground until it happens
upon the knife.

He stabs the Drug Lord in the eye.  The Drug Lord rolls
over and screams. 

Shaun rubs his throat, jumps up and runs out the door.

INT.  WAREHOUSE STORAGE HALLWAY - DAY
The hall is narrow and poorly lit with a crate beside the 
door.

Footsteps.

Shaun crouches behind the crate.

A guard turns the corner and Shaun rushes him.

Shaun steals his gun and shoots two rounds into the 
second guy who runs around the corner.

He staggers towards where they entered, stepping over
their bodies.
There are some key points. The action lines describe visual shots. Also, you have a continuation of action from one location to another hidden in the description. While my visualization of your scene might not match yours, that is the level of clarity you want to provide to someone reading your script. Unless you are producing this as your own film, think of the script as a blueprint.

The other complaint I often hear is that the paragraph is more condensed and saves space to stay within the 90 page "limit". Again, if you follow proper format and structure, you have a better idea how long your film will run. When you throw everything in a condensed paragraph, it is deceptive. My gut feeling is that your four page script is closer to six pages when properly formatted and structured for pacing. The one page/one minute rule is less true for scripts under 12 pages in my experience and depends on the amount of action. I would guess you have about five minutes of screen time here. Depending on the quality of the shoot, it takes between 1-3 hours to film per page. A quick six page script should take about six hours to shoot. If I have multiple locations, lots of action, multiple shots, then many factors can figure into the production time. Why mention this?

The script is a blueprint. Being mindful of the production side is part of the craft. When you use good structure, you can accomplish a lot more to tell the story in a more effective manner. Part of good structure is pacing. Don't be bogged down my exact page counts as proposed by many script teachers. Do focus on how stories can be organized. Blake Snyder's series are useful in that regard.

STORY
This is the MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT of a script. Read Robert McKee and Syd Field to learn more about story. What you've written is not a story. It tells a series of events but a story. A documentary is a series of events or facts, a story is about characters who change as a result of the events they experience. A factual account doesn't require the audience to care about the characters. A story requires an emotional investment by the viewer. Story consists of basic elements: PROTAGONIST, ANTAGONIST, PLOT and THEME. The first two involve your characters and the last two involve the action.

Especially in a short, every character needs to be there for a reason. The Protagonist is, as suggested by the Greek, the "one (-ist) we feel (-agon-) for [first] (pro[t]-)". This is usually the hero but it need not be a heroic character as long as the audience feels attracted to learn about his/her story. The Antagonist, or villain, is "the one (-ist) we feel (-agon-) against (ant-)". There are also support characters. For a character to appear in a script, there has to be a reason.

Why was the mother necessary? Shaun could have went to the fridge to make a bowl of cereal, found he was out of milk and chose to go to the store. From the craft side, casting a 'mother' takes time. Actors cost money. She needs to be relevant. Why should we care about Shaun? Here's where visual story telling comes into play. A lot can be learned about a character through their environment so some visual description under the slugline will enhance the script.

Code:
INT. SHAUN’S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
A care worn woman (early 30s) opens cupboard doors to 
reveal cans and boxes.  She sighs and bows her head.

On the table sits bills and an eviction notice.

Mary opens the fridge to reveal-

it's bare with just a few jars.  Inside is a milk jug with
barely a swig of milk.

                    MARY WOLFE
    Shaun! Could you pick up some milk 
    from the store?

INT.  SHAUN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY
The room is cluttered with heavy metal posters on
the wall.  Shaun (12) sits on folding chair in front of
his ancient pre-pentium computer.  On the shelf is
a picture of an American soldier in Afghanistan.

He's struggling with an algebra book on his lap.

                    SHAUN WOLFE
     Who the heck cares about how many
     watermelons Farmer Brown sells!

                    MARY WOLFE  (O.C.)
     Shaun!?  

Shaun sighs and closes the textbook.

                    SHAUN WOLFE
    Alright!  Sure, mom.

INT.  SHAUN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
Mary is cutting up a tomato when Shaun enters.

                   MARY WOLFE
     Do you still have some birthday 
     money from Grandma?

Shaun glances to see the notices tucked under
a pot holder.

His mother does not look up.  His face betrays
both anger and sadness.

                   SHAUN WOLFE
     Anything else while I'm there?

                   MARY WOLFE
     No.  That should be everything.  Get 
     something nice for yourself.

Shaun shrugs and starts to exit.

                   MARY WOLFE
      Be careful.

He smiles.

                   SHAUN WOLFE
      Love you too, mom!
What do we know about this family so far? Or what might the audience believe? Do we care about them? Is there more to them than simply names? We want to care about Shaun and his mother Mary. Where is dad? It could have been the picture of a brother, uncle, etc.

Next are plot elements. As pointed out, the story needs to seem plausible. If he shot the original guy why even bother taking off the mask? He turns, shoots Shaun and turns back to say "Problem solved". If you want to have an action sequence, it needs to have a reason. Don't just drop in a visual because it will look cool.

What is the theme? What do we expect Shaun to learn from this experience? Story is about how the characters are changed by the experience, not just the events. So for a moment, let's reflect on the story. The example above is basically a one page set up which parallels a story most of us know, "Jack and the Beanstalk". We can follow it or deviate. If you make the Giant into the Drug Lord, what else might you do? By putting in the mom, I will need to use her again later. Is Shaun purely good or mostly good until he gets mixed up with the 'giant'? As you begin to explore the story, you begin to think like the writer.

For a feature, I might have Shaun come away with something from the Drug Lord that he wants back. He then puts Shaun and his mother into further crisis (end of act two). The start of act three is the ultimate showdown. Lots of ways to go with this story. They start off poor, do they end up rich? Do they end up being reunited with the soldier? Do either or both die? Does Shaun learn the soldier is in the pay of or was offed by the Drug Lord? None of these are new ideas, it's how you translate it into your own style. I can't count all the Cinderella variations. Make sure what happens makes sense. Having a believable plot (flight from poverty) with a theme (being true/honest) helps to create a more believable and driving story. Add to that believable characters and you have the making of a good movie.

For a first effort, I think you did a good job. I would suggest you walk through the logistics of shooting your script. When you go through that exercise, then the craft side makes more sense. Many new screenwriters make the mistake of treating scripts as creative writing. While that's a key component, the script is also a blueprint for production. When that's understood, one's writing goes to another level.
 
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I don't have much time so need to keep this short.

Look, if you want to shoot this (which you have said), I would start with something much simpler to shoot. A short with a single location would be ideal.

Back to your script...

You have good advice from posters above and previous page so I won't hit on what they have already mentioned.

Your script does not read real, it comes across as fake and cheesy. Little of the dialogue sounds realistic, it sounds written, manufactured. Sorry to be blunt but it's the best way to learn.

Most first scripts have similar issues so don't be too hard on yourself. Screenwriting well is actually very difficult. There is a reason the top guns get six figure sums (and sometimes seven figure sums) for their screenplays.

Eg

SHAUN WOLFE
You won’t kill me

BAD GUY 1
I wouldn’t be so sure about that

SHAUN WOLFET

here’s people around the corner you couldn’t get awa-
... if someone was jumped and had a gun pointed at them I guarantee the dialogue would not go down as above.

And is it realistic for a very low-level drug dealer to chase down an innocent bystander who may have caught view of a bit of an exchange? We're not talking million dollar drug deals here - that take place not in alleys but hidden away. We're likely talking a $40 or $100 deal in an alley. It does not read real to me.

The Drug Lord shots the dealer who brought Shaun in. Really? Just like that? In their warehouse which is likely surrounded by lots of warehouses. Ever heard a real gunshot? They are loud as hell and very distinctive. Would that not have attracted the police? Would the drug lord be that stupid? Now if the drug lord had knifed the guy, or killed him in some other physical way...

And a drug lord would not be involved with such low figure $$$ stuff. They would be involved in the multi-million dollar deals.

After shooting him he says:

DRUG LORD
You just couldn’t do your job could you

... does that sound realistic to you? For a drug lord given the situation?

And:

DRUG LORD
Now I can deal with you-

Pulls off Shaun’s mask

Pulls out knife and rubs it again Shaun’s neck

MIKE
Sir we got a problem!

Drug lord is frustrated

DRUG LORD
Don’t think i wont be back

DRUG LORD
Where do you think your going

You need to make it real, have a kick to it. It all sounds stilted at present, written with no bite. No authenticity.

For dialogue: Watch a few episodes of The Wire for real dialogue in the dealing world.

These articles will help:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Put your Characters in the Worst Possible Situations
http://reelauthors.com/script-analy...aracters-in-the-worst-possible-situations.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Fill your script with Drama and Conflict
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/drama-and-conflict.php

Also you miss out lots of 'the', eg:

Shaun walks down <the> stairs

Shaun opens <the> garage and takes down <his> bike
.
 
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