Another Project Idea

[QualityHD]

SYNOPSIS

Title: Max Adams


Max Adams is an ex-marine that got excommunicated due to insubordination and disorderly conduct as a cover up to get rid of him, he then got invited to join a secret agency which he eventually accepts. The agency is run by Mr. Robinson and Max is introduce to modern technology that he didn't know exist as yet and teams up with his female partner Jessica Powell. Marcus Smith works for a company that eventually gets bankrupt, being sued by a lawyer due to breach of a contract, so he loses his job. Jack Sage instructs a robbery on a bank stealing what he can carry and burning the rest of the money to include all the money that Mr. Smith had, so now he has no money at all. The secret agency catches on to Mr. Sage's operation and peruses to stop him. They also encounter Anthony King a mob leader, an informant to the agency and Curtis "Ted" Theodore another mob leader that is causing all the major crimes in the city. After being bankrupt, laid off and deprived of his money Smith's wife gets critically ill and he has no money for operations and turns to crime with Jack Sage and works for him to get enough money to save his loved wife. Sage ends up stealing weaponry from Theodore's mob to supply to Smith. Theodore assumes that it was King's mob that stole his stuff and starts a war with them. Sage and his men appear after the battle was over and killed the rest of the members that were standing and blackmails the mob leaders Theodore, King and his assistant Tanya Cole to the police. Sage also kidnaps the Commissioners daughter and playing with his mind for days eventually the commissioner shoots a member of a mob on camera and it was broadcast to the city as The Commissioner kills an innocent civilian thus 'causing the civilians to lose faith in the police and eventually 'causing a riot in the city. The secret agency has to do what it takes to stop this madness and bring Jack Sage to justice.

 

[Sweetie]

You know there's an invention that came out a while back. The Enter Key.

An interesting concept. Towards the end is seems a little over the top (commissioner shooting the mob on camera), but I guess that's what you're trying for.

 

[QualityHD]

Is more like the commissioner shooting a mob member but when they broadcast it on the news, it says commissioner kills innocent civilian

 

[QualityHD]

What you guys think of the idea?

 

[rayw]

Okay, now that I got that outta my system...

SYNOPSIS

Title: Max Adams


Max Adams is an ex-marine that got excommunicated due to insubordination and disorderly conduct as a cover up to get rid of him, he then got invited to join a secret agency which he eventually accepts.

The agency is run by Mr. Robinson and Max is introduce to modern technology that he didn't know exist as yet and teams up with his female partner Jessica Powell.

Marcus Smith works for a company that eventually gets bankrupt, being sued by a lawyer due to breach of a contract, so he loses his job.

Jack Sage instructs a robbery on a bank stealing what he can carry and burning the rest of the money to include all the money that Mr. Smith had, so now he has no money at all.

The secret agency catches on to Mr. Sage's operation and peruses to stop him.

They also encounter Anthony King a mob leader, an informant to the agency and Curtis "Ted" Theodore another mob leader that is causing all the major crimes in the city.

After being bankrupt, laid off and deprived of his money Smith's wife gets critically ill and he has no money for operations and turns to crime with Jack Sage and works for him to get enough money to save his loved wife.

Sage ends up stealing weaponry from Theodore's mob to supply to Smith.
Theodore assumes that it was King's mob that stole his stuff and starts a war with them.

Sage and his men appear after the battle was over and killed the rest of the members that were standing and blackmails the mob leaders Theodore, King and his assistant Tanya Cole to the police.

Sage also kidnaps the Commissioners daughter and playing with his mind for days eventually the commissioner shoots a member of a mob on camera and it was broadcast to the city as The Commissioner kills an innocent civilian thus 'causing the civilians to lose faith in the police and eventually 'causing a riot in the city.

The secret agency has to do what it takes to stop this madness and bring Jack Sage to justice.

Hmm... for a writer you got quite a few typos and grammatical errerers in there. Just something to constantly self check.
And a few of the words used are likely incorrect.

Max Adams is an ex-marine that got excommunicated due to insubordination and disorderly conduct as a cover up to get rid of him,

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/excommunicate
How about just dishonorably discharged instead?
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/dishonorable+discharge

The secret agency catches on to Mr. Sage's operation and peruses to stop him.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/peruse
I bet five bucks you meant intends.

The agency is run by Mr. Robinson and Max is introduce to modern technology that he didn't know exist as yet and teams up with his female partner Jessica Powell.

How about Max is introduced to ADVANCED technology he didn't know existed?

And there's some more grammar and spelling going on here.

The agency is run by Mr. Robinson. Max is introduced to advanced technology he didn't know existed and teams up with his female partner, Jessica Powell.

Better yet...

The operation is run by Mr. Robinson who introduces Max to both the agency's advanced technology and Jessica Powell, Max's new field partner.

No sh!t "Jessica" is a female.

Ah, sh!t. Two more characters. I gotta start a crib sheet 'cause I know there's more of 'em.

• Max Adams - ex-marine
• Mr. Robinson - Max's agency boss
• Jessica Powell- Max's partner
• Marcus Smith - desperate guy with no income & sick wife
• Jack Sage - bank robbing money burner (this is kinda goofy, BTW, since the FDIC will replace whatever's stolen)
• Anthony King - mob leader #1 + agency informant
• Curtis "Ted" Theodore - mob leader #2, causes major crimes in the city (you need to familarize yourself with RICO and how Cosa Nostra is organized)
• Tanya Cole - Ted's assistant
• And the Commish + daughter.

Jack Sage instructs a robbery on a bank stealing what he can carry and burning the rest of the money to include all the money that Mr. Smith had, so now he has no money at all.

That's just goofy.
What's the point of burning cash you can't carry?
FDIC is just going to replace it.
What is this, the 1800's wild west? Masked bank robbers gonna blow up the safe and take all the cash? No one will have any money?
Rework that whole "Smith's got no money" angle.

After being bankrupt, laid off and deprived of his money Smith's wife gets critically ill and he has no money for operations and turns to crime with Jack Sage and works for him to get enough money to save his loved wife.

That sentence... needs assistance.

Smith was laid off but it was his company that went bankrupt, not Smith, and if one character gets identified with a single name they all should and we figured that Smith loves his wife to turn to crime and I guess Smith doesn't have COBRA insurance coverage and money for surgery is kinda cliche and don't put multiple "and"s in a sentence

Without income and savings Smith joins Sage's heist crew, stealing enough money to save his dying wife.

Sage ends up stealing weaponry from Theodore's mob to supply to Smith.
Theodore assumes that it was King's mob that stole his stuff and starts a war with them.

Waitaminit. Why is "Ted" (Always go for the shorter or nick name) supplying weapons to an unemployed broke man?
Do you mean the advanced weapons to Mr. Robinson and the agency? THAT would make more sense.

Sage and his men appear after the battle was over and killed the rest of the members that were standing and blackmails the mob leaders Theodore, King and his assistant Tanya Cole to the police.

Keep things present tense, not past.
"Is", not "was."
"kill", not "killed."
"blackmails" is present tense, so that's good.

Alright, I'm seeing a sh!t-load of work Smith/Smith is involved in.
Where the h3ll is this story's namesake Max Adams and why the h3ll ain't he doing anything?
And WTH's the point of Adams having a partner if she (let alone he) ain't doing anything?
And WTH does King's assistant Cole have to do with anything?
And you don't "blackmail to the police." You just blackmail the person. They ain't letters being mailed "to the police."
And organized crime is typically an interstate offense, meaning it has federal jurisdiction, meaning RICO/FBI, not your local police.

After pyrrhic battle between the forces of King and Ted, Sage first sends in his crew to kill all survivors then blackmails both crime lords.

Sage also kidnaps the Commissioners daughter and playing with his mind for days eventually the commissioner shoots a member of a mob on camera and it was broadcast to the city as The Commissioner kills an innocent civilian thus 'causing the civilians to lose faith in the police and eventually 'causing a riot in the city.

"His" being the daughter or the commissioner's mind?
And that whole first part needs some reworking for clarity.
And some explanation of the commissioner's state of mind probably needs to be addressed as to WHY he shot anyone during a broadcast or while recording was going on.
And WTH kind of "news" media doesn't know how to identify an organized crime member from the police that presumably arrested him or identified him themselves?
Use the quotations thingies in pairs, not apostrophes just at the beginning of the word: "causing."

The secret agency has to do what it takes to stop this madness and bring Jack Sage to justice.

Why is this agency secret?
Who's footing the agency's bill? Where's their funding coming from?
Why can't local, state, and federal law enforcement stop Sage?
Where the h3ll is Adams and his sidekick Powell?

 

[QualityHD]

Thanks for your imput and I would look into those but Sage steals normal weapons from ted to give to smith 'cause he knows that ted would think it's anthonys men stole them and start a mob war with him.

 

[rayw]

... Sage steals normal weapons from ted to give to smith 'cause he knows that ted would think it's anthonys men stole them and start a mob war with him.

... does not gee-haw with...

Sage ends up stealing weaponry from Theodore's mob to supply to Smith.

The stealing to misdirect part I got clear as crystal.
However, neither version links Smith to King.
H3ll. Sage could give the stolen goods to anyone. WTH does Smith have to do with anything?

That connection needs to be made more clear, especially since, from what has been provided in the original post, there's clearly an association between Smith and Sage, neither of which are on either King or Ted's radar, only "the agency's", and Mr. Robinson doesn't even have a good reign in on Sage.
And of course law enforcement of all flavors appear to be Barney Fife-ing it.