A Haunting

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Hey guys, I've been writing this screenplay with the intention of submitting it to the Slamdance Horror Contest at the end of June. It comes from a very personal place, and more so than any other screenplay I've written, I'm very excited about it. I've finally completed my first draft with some minor editing, with the intention of editing it to perfection in the days to come. I hope that I can get some feedback! Any comments, suggestions, criticisms, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Hope you guys enjoy!

Also, if anyone has any experience they'd like to share about Slamdance (e.g. they've submitted it to before) I'd be sooooo appreciative.

Another also, if anyone has a better title idea, I'm all ears. I Like A Haunting, but I'm trying to find something to make it stand out more.

Thank you guys again!

Also, as I continue to edit, I'll update the link, so that the most recent version is available.

Synopsis: Mary-Anne Collins spent years living under the oppressive reign of her abusive husband. After his passing in a car accident, Mary-Anne felt she had a new life ahead of her. However, something sinister has survived, with the intention of continuing what was left over in life.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwMMk_YZfry2QnhCQkpHRVpvbWc/edit?usp=sharing
 
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The formatting is clean. I have a bit of difficulty with the first four pages; the scene doesn't grab me and the dialogue feels off. The "fuck me" comment just felt so out of context it pulled me out. Starting in the bathroom was probably meant to make the audience wonder what was going on, but it led to a slow start (two talking heads) followed by little action and closed with a negative exchange (more talking heads).

Since we know it's a ghost story, I don't think you need to hide from the audience that this is a funeral. Start with your establishing shots in the funeral. People are inundating her, the voices are loud and she finally runs to the bathroom. Silence. She looks in the mirror then Patricia comes in to offer comfort. She exits and boom, there's Linda to confront her. I'd even let her 'snap'. Given the context of her husband's death and Linda's cattiness, have her take the plate of sandwiches and pour them down Linda's front. Linda's in shock, angry, and acts affronted. Linda finishes with her line about her husband being the bad driver. She can storm off and the others can murmur among themselves while a few help Linda.

Reworking it that way would convey to me that here's a woman who must have endured a lot and has reached her limit. When I read this scene as written visually, ignoring the dialogue, what I see is a woman in a bathroom, come out pick up food, then walk away.

You give a LOT of detail about the house layout. If you're shooting this, it's okay, but it's too much for a general script. Remember, the production company may have to scout their own sites which may not have any resemblance to the script. Unless there is an element that is essential to the script--a hidden passage behind the bed--try to keep the descriptions lighter. In your description below how much is critical to the story? Also, nothing happens here--no dialogue or action. It sounds like your describing visual establishing shots. Again, not your role as screenwriter. This is a story blueprint, not a shooting script.
Code:
p. 6
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY- NIGHT
The upstairs is ostensibly open to the floor below.
Mini-balustrades line the first few feet from the left and
right at the top of the stairs. Adjacent to the top of the
steps is the guest-bathroom. To the right is the laundry
room and the two other bedrooms, and to the left is the
master, distinguished by two solid-oak doors.

On p.7, you have a phone dialogue between Mary-anne and Kathy. Technically, this is formatted wrong since Kathy is on the phone, not in the car, you would need it to appear:
Code:
                  KATHY (O.C.)
          (filtered; phone)
    Don't worry yourself.
While the dialogue in the car is short, it's too chit-chatty and probably could be scrapped. Kathy spoke to her in the house and that's probably enough. Same with her mom, Kristine. As a side note, that dialogue feels off.

Honestly, I feel the pacing is slow. By page 14 very little has happened. The protagonist has little energy and that saps energy from the script. Everyone around her seems to drain energy. As a viewer, it would be very antzy and bored. As a reader, by page 14, I'm ready to move to the next script. Page 14 is nothing but talking heads with nothing of significance really being said between mom and daughter. The next few pages follow the same pattern. Very boring.

Read the script visually. This is what you see:
Code:
pp. 13-17
INT. MARY-ANNE’S HOUSE- DAY

Mary-Anne steps walks upstairs and directs her mother
towards the kitchen.

The two continue to talk as they part.

Mary-Anne returns downstairs and meets her mother in the
kitchen.

Mary-Anne walks over towards the sink and stares down upon a
pile of dishes.

MARY-ANNE
(bewildered)

Kristine wanders over towards the pantry and opens it.

Kristine pauses for a little over 10 seconds.

INT. SIXTH STREET GRILL- NIGHT

Mary-Anne approaches her parents’ table.

Jeff, her father, is seated next to Kristine. Mary-Anne’s
seat is isolated on the other side of a table meant for
four.

They’re dressed very formally.

Mary-Anne, on the other hand, is dressed in jeans and an
over-sized-collegiate-sweatshirt from UMD.

She takes her seat.

Dad (Jeff) leans in and kisses Kristine’s cheek.

MARY-ANNE
(irritated)
That's four minutes of screen time. What story is that telling me as a viewer? Is it congruent with the dialogue? Those are the only action/description lines you provide for four pages. You keep beating around the bush what the rift is between her and her parents. Just spill and then use it to demonstrate the family dynamics.

As a director/producer, I would have passed on the script after page 4. As a contest reader, I would not consider it a contender. Its development is slow and lacks engagement. You try to hold too much back from the viewer to heighten the effect of the ending. That works against you. Just provide the information so the viewer is watching it play out and come together. I found myself skipping through to find interesting bits to read. And the PSA at the end by the psychologist with her mom is too soap-box for a horror movie.
Have Mary-anne watching TV where the psychologist is being interviewed and interjecting a few factoids. Mary-anne flips the channel but some of the tidbits play out through the script. Forcing myself to page 70 was a challenge because of the uneven pacing and you did nothing to build interest in the characters. I really didn't care about Mary-anne even at the end.

Hopefully you can take this not as criticism of your story but as an honest appraisal of the script. Not sharing information with the audience doesn't create or heighten mystery or drama. Giving them pieces of the larger picture that resolve at the end gives that sense. Good luck with your script. It has potential but needs to be balanced better for action, dialogue and content.
 
I don't have any personal experience with Slamdance but I have entered many many screenplay contests.

Screenplay writing looks easy but it's very difficult to do it really well.

I have written five so far - managed to place highly in various contests including the semis of the Nicholl, and the finals in others.

Don't been disheartened if your first draft does not rock. I thought my first screenplay was great - looking back at it now (3+ years later) I now know it was actually pretty damn bad.

For great screenwriting advice:

  • Check out pro-screenwriter's John August's blog.
  • The folks at Reel Authors have 40+ great pro screenwriting tips and articles on their site
Keep writing - every year/script, my writing got better.

And read as many pro scripts as you can.

Note, I have not read your script but have read 100+ first timer's scripts - 99% miss pro level by a large margin.
 
I can't explain how invaluable this advice was to me. I'm going to try my best to work your suggestions into the screenplay. I've only written a few screenplays, and only being eighteen, I still have a ton to learn about the process. It's one of those things where you don't realize how difficult it is until you actually sit down to do it. And, as I've said earlier, this screenplay does come from a very personal place, so I hope to fine tune it into something great. But, again, thank you for taking the time to read it and respond. I can't thank you enough!
 
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