A Haunting (First 40 pages + Conclusion)

What Did You Think?

  • Total voters
    4
A

Applemonkeyf

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwMMk_YZfry2LU1CTmZtOXl4MUE/edit?usp=sharing

Hey guys, I've been writing this screenplay with the intention of submitting it to the Slamdance Horror Contest at the end of June. It comes from a very personal place, and more so than any other screenplay I've written, I'm very excited about it. I'm sharing the first half (Plus the conclusion) in hopes that I can get some feedback. Any comments, suggestions, criticisms, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Hope you guys enjoy!

Synopsis: Mary-Anne Collins spent years living under the oppressive reign of her abusive husband. After his passing in a car accident, Mary-Anne felt she had a new life ahead of her. However, something sinister has survived, with the intention of continuing what was left over in life.

Side note: When Mary-Anne states "Come and get me, you bastard." that is when it jumps to the conclusion. I wrote it before the rest, so that's why there's a lapse in the narrative.
 
I did like it, however I felt opening it with a dialogue heavy bathroom scene may slowed down the script a little, if that makes sense?

overall good work! :)
 
Overall, I enjoyed the screenplay. I like the message you are sending and I will admit that, while reading, there was a loud bang from behind me that made me completely jump out of my chair looking for Chris. So good job creeping me out with words.

I feel that the abused woman you are trying to portray was done very subtly and if I were not looking for it I might have missed it. It was clear that something was wrong with the relationship, but not quite what. Was he physically abusive, or was it more verbal/mental/emotional? Obviously he had some sort of fixation on cleanliness, but what did he do to her if she didn't pick up after herself? I believe that their volatile relationship could be explored a lot more. (Since I only have the first forty pages you may have already extrapolated, and if so please disregard.)

The story about him checking her receipts after grocery shopping and subsequently belittling her struck a chord within me - it's that kind of attention to detail that really brought this alive.

This is something I would be interested in seeing if it were tweaked a little. Good luck.
 
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