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A first screenplay.

A

Artificialimagination

I uploaded a new version of this, I hope it is more enjoyable to read.

I recently wrote my a practice/first screenplay. It is about a group of young urban explorers visiting an abandoned asylum only to be met with a crisis. It's about 15 pages long. My apologies for any major formatting errors; I am quite new to this. The spelling is in British English, also.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/148770388/Abandon-New

If anyone would like to read it; some feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. :)
 
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Artificialimagination said:
I recently wrote my a practice/first screenplay. It is about a group of urban explorers visiting an abandoned asylum only to be met with a crisis. It's about 15 pages long. I know there are an abundance of formatting errors; but if anyone would be interested in critiquing the dialogue and story that'd be great!

If anyone would like to read it; some feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. :)
Click to expand...

The formatting will be a critical issue if you submit this to a reader. Looking at your first two pages:
Code: 
INT. BUS - NOON

THOMAS gets up from his seat and is holding on tight to
the ceiling rails of a bus.  The bus is turning a corner as
THOMAS checks his phone.  He looks unnerved.

WE see the bus stopping, THOMAS gets off.

EXT. BUS STOP - NOON

THOMAS gets off the bus and looks around; it is very
forested in the surrounding area, though we can see
suburbia is not far away.

THOMAS waits for a while under the shelter but gets
frustrated and starts to look around.  Someone walks up by
the bus shelter and THOMAS watches them, but when they
glare back at him, he quickly looks away.  He looks very
suspicious and guilty.

                                  THOMAS
                     (Narration)
           It was a pretty stupid idea from
           the beginning, but I weighed up
           the risks and reason pretty well
           I thought.  Now I was driven by a
           mixture of commitment, excitement
           and fear.  Urban exploration isn't
           just trouble-making to me; I 
           wanted to see what lay beyond the
           naked eye's vision, under the
           surface.

He cannot find ADRIAN and JOANNA.  He gets out his phone
and rings them.

                                  THOMAS
            Ah, yes it's Thomas... from the
            internet ... yeah.

                                  ADRIAN
            We'll meet at the reserve.  OK?

                                  THOMAS
            OK, I'll be there in a few
            minutes.

                                  ADRIAN
            No rush mate.

Thomas pauses for a minute and looks around before picking
up his bag and walking up along the road.
First, the script should describe what we are seeing and lead us to make our own assumptions. Also these paragraphs are really muddy and give very little detail. A script need to be a bit more vibrant. What does 'unnerved', 'suspicious', or 'guilty' look like? How would the audience know? Who is the 'someone' who walks by--man, woman, child? What does Thomas look like? You can't tell the viewer what's going on inside Thomas' head, you need to show them. Also avoid long soliloquies, especially in voiceovers. Make the narration pair up with action that compliments what is being said. Doing what they are saying is
redundant and is to be avoided. "He cannot find Adrian or Joanna" has no context for the viewer. All the viewer sees is Thomas by himself. He's the only character we know. Don't put in your script what the viewer doesn't see.
Code: 
INT. BUS - DAY
THOMAS (20s), a skinny young college student, stares out the 
window of the bus.  He holds tight to the ceiling rail as the
packed bus lurches around the corner causing an ebb of the
bodies in the aisle.

He closes his eyes and breathes in.   His free hand reaches,
pulls out his phone.  His face tightens and sways.  No messages.

                           THOMAS (V.O.)
         It was a pretty stupid idea from
         the beginning, but I weighed up
         the risks and reason pretty well
         I thought.  

The city begins to disappear behind him.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

The shelter is nestled along a well wooded road.  Down the
road are signs for dining and a hotel.  Powerlines drape the
highway.

The bus wheezes as it stops and the doors open.

Thomas steps off with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

He looks back and forth.  He starts as the doors swing shut
behind him and the bus begins to pull off.

                           THOMAS (V.O.)
         Now I was driven by a mixture of 
         commitment, excitement and fear.  
         Urban exploration isn't just 
         trouble-making to me; 

He goes and sits on the bench under the shelter.  A beat.
He stands and looks up the road.  

He pulls out his phone.  Still no messages his.  He roughly 
thrusts it back into his pocket.  

He spots a woman (60s) in her shaw and scarf walking 
towards the shelter and watches her with rapt attention.

She shoots him an angry glare.  His face goes red and 
wrinkles.  He runs his hand through his hair and looks
down.

As she passes, he glances back up and his eyes follow
her.

                           THOMAS (V.O.)
         I wanted to see what lay beyond 
         the naked eye's vision, under the
         surface.

He sits and spins his fingers as he waits, glancing back 
and forth along the road.

Thomas pulls out his cell phone and dials.  He turns,
holding the phone to his ear and wrapping his other arm
about his chest.

                           THOMAS
            Uh, hi, this is Thomas.  Ya know, 
            from the Internet. ... Yeah.  Is 
            this Adrian?  Ah, good.  I was 
            wondering where we're meeting.

He pauses to look back and up at the darkening sky.

                           THOMAS
            ... Oh, the reserve.  I'm at the
            bus shelter.  Is it far? ... Right.
            Hopefully be there in a bit then.

Thomas hangs up and sticks it back in his pocket.  He
heads back, grabs his jacket from the backpack and
puts it on.  

He slings the backpack on and starts along the
road, starting towards the signs ahead.

A car zips past him.
Each segment is broken out for what might be a camera view. I work to describe what the viewer will see. You could do an intercut with Adrian or have Adrian's voice over the phone but to keep it simple, I just left that to the actor.

Your script must tell its story visually. In your case, it doesn't read like a visual script. Hopefully this short reworking will help give you some ideas how to do that. The big three of scriptwriting are FORMAT, STORY, STRUCTURE. Each affects the other. If your formatting is poor, it impacts the story and structure. It's hard to get the reader's attention. Hopefully this helps.
 
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Congrats on the first script. As you have probably figured it out it is far from an easy task.
But practise makes perfect!
I am just going to throw some ideas:


Try to use shorter descriptions of actions. Forget the "we see",I know it seems like there is no other way to say it,but there is. :p The above poster did quite well in changing the formatting,wording. I am going to stick to the minimalistic structure of screenplay and just analyse the first scene. You can add all the fancy words on top of this skeleton.

"THOMAS gets up from his seat and is holding on tight to
the ceiling rails of a bus. The bus is turning a corner as
THOMAS checks his phone. He looks unnerved.
WE see the bus stopping, THOMAS gets off. "


THOMAS gets up from his seat. Bus turns.
Thomas stumbles and (tightly) grabs the ceiling rail.
He checks his phone.
Bus stops. Thomas gets off.


Do you see how crispy it became?

Now,the main problem is not the wording or formatting,but the aim of the scene.
What is the purpose of all those actions?

As a novice screenwriter myself I tend to focus on actions or story,rather than characters. But characters are fundamental.

What do we know about this Thomas after the scene?

0. Nothing. That scene doesn't drive the story and doesn't describe character.
If instead of Thomas you put a doll it would be exactly the same scene. If you delete the scene I doubt your screenplay will fall apart.

What is the best way to create a character? Conflict!
Who is Thomas? What is his goal? What is he afraid of?


Take a look at this:

INT. PACKED BUS - 17.10

Insanely loud oldschool hiphop beat is pumping from the speakers.
Thomas (17,traditional hiphop outfit) with boombox on his shoulder bops his head to the beat.


What do you know about Thomas know? Do you see the conflict? Do you see how many ways can this story go already?

i.e 3 18 year old bullies enter the bus on the stop,Thomas turns off the music and tries to hide.
or someone asks him to turn the music down and he ignores them
You can show annoyed passengers etc. etc.

Know your characters!
Know what you want to show!
Create conflict and and put your character in it.
Show reactions.
 
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I've just uploaded a newer version of this; I'd be so grateful if anyone could provide some advice on this new one. :)

Thanks for the advice, baoliun. I did try to develop more character in the new upload; I think it picks up more from the 3rd page onwards; but I see what you mean, so I addressed that first scene with, also, the very helpful advice of FantasySciFi. Thank you both so much; it really helps to put the piece in context.
 
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Sorry, I know it's been a while, but I have some more information to add to this screenplay.

I plan to shoot this film in the next few weeks and submit it to a high-school level film competition . Does anyone have advice on how I should distribute the script to my actors; should I just give them their chosen parts or the whole thing? I don't want to overwhelm them; they are only friends, not professionals in acting.

Again, thanks. :)
 
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