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critique A Drop of Honey - A 6 page short script I'd like some critique on

This is based on the Mahabharata short tale of a guy wanting pleasure even in the times of utmost urgency. The story and screenplay are entirely my own, but the base idea is lifted from a 5000 year old tale. It's 6 pages long and contains some language. Hope you enjoy.
 

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  • DROP OF HONEY.pdf
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I think it can be shorted a bit. Here is some ideas...


EXT. FOREST - DAY
Honey drips from A BANYAN TREE.

CAPTION: '5000 YEARS AGO'

EXT. NEEM TREE - DAY
KANNAN(34), sits under the shade of a neem tree eating an apple. His brother, GOVINDAN(50), passes him driving a horse driven cart filled with sand. The hot sun bathes the open road.

KANNAN
Hello brother. That's a lot of sand.

Govindan turns to his brother and wipes sweat from his brow.

GOVINDAN
Yes, father asked me to dig a hole.

KANNAN
Hmm, don't you think you're too old for such work?

GOVINDAN
Well, he offered me a lot of money to do it. Besides,
Mukundan dug the the hole for me in exchange for some
of the money.

Didn't father mention anything to you?

Kannan FROWNS.

KANNAN
We have not spoken since we last fought.

...
 
Last edited:
I think it can be shorted a bit. Here is some ideas...


EXT. FOREST - DAY
Honey drips from A BANYAN TREE.

CAPTION: '5000 YEARS AGO'

EXT. NEEM TREE - DAY
KANNAN(34), sits under the shade of a neem tree eating an apple. His brother, GOVINDAN(50), passes him driving a horse driven cart filled with sand. The hot sun bathes the open road.

KANNAN
Hello brother. That's a lot of sand.

Govindan turns to his brother and wipes sweat from his brow.

GOVINDAN
Yes, father asked me to dig a hole.

KANNAN
Hmm, don't you think you're too old for such work?

GOVINDAN
Well, he offered me a lot of money to do it. Besides,
Mukundan dug the the hole for me in exchange for some
of the money.

Didn't father mention anything to you?

Kannan FROWNS.

KANNAN
We have not spoken since we last fought.

...
Although it's much more crisp than what I wrote, I really have to mention that Govindan and Kannan are not brothers. Thanks for the feedback anyways.
 
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