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5 page screenplay that needs FEEDBACK!

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It's well-written and very pleasant to read.

My only suggestion would be
to make the cabbie a bit more ambiguous, a bit more scary. The scene where he lets off Danny the 1st time could have more tension. You could add some verbal struggle. For instance the cabbie wants to let him off at a specific place but Danny wants out immediately.
 
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I really like your suggestion and I will definitely write the next draft with that in mind. I had a similar feeling upon re-reading the screenplay... I felt like the scene in the cab didn't have quite enough tension to warrant Danny wanting to get out of the cab so badly.

Thanks a lot, Theo!
 
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Scrub your verbs to get rid of passive verbs -- the first two sentences have passive, state of being verbs which weaken your action blocks and don't propel the reader forward... Other than that, I liked the action/dialog balance and the expectation building toward the end. Well done, quite frankly.
 
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Glad to be of some help.

Some further suggestions came into my mind.

1) The way the cab is introduced could be a bit more disquieting:
Danny arrives at this station where there are no more trains running. There are a few other people stranded like him. Like the others he calls a cab and waits. But he falls asleep. When he wakes up the other people are gone and there's only this one lone cab waiting for him. It's been lurking at a distance and when Danny's awake it approaches slowly.

2) An idea for the argument in the cab:
Danny wants out and he's arguing with the cabbie. They're approaching a well-lit gas station with a few costumers. Danny is desperate to be let off there but the cabbie babbles on and they pass it.

3) We could have one false alarm:
Danny's walking. He sees a cab approaching. He panics and hides but when the cab passes him he sees it's another driver.

4) The way Danny is killed could more spectacular:
When the cabbie comes to give Danny his mobile we can see that he walks with difficulty with a thick cane, which makes him look even more harmless. He knives Danny once. Danny drops to the ground. The cabby removes the top of his cane and we see it's some kind of homemade mace. With the mace he gives Danny two good whackings (one in the chest and one the belly) firmly and matter-of-factly as he would do a sack of potatoes.

It's only a suggestion, you can think of something more gruesome.
 
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Knightly - Not to sound stupid or anything, but I don't really know what a passive verb means. However, after some googling, I've altered the first two sentences like you suggested.

"DANNY (19) lies in the fetal position, passed out on his seat."
"A loud group of drunk girls get off the train, waking Danny."

Is this better?


Theo - Regarding your new suggestions...I really like them ALL! Haha, I might have to put your name on the next draft! :P Thanks heaps, dude. Very much appreciated.

I got an idea after reading your suggestion about Danny falling asleep at the train station in the beginning etc.... I had the temptation to end the whole story with Danny waking up, still at the train station, and it was all a dream! Haha! But don't worry, I'm not gonna go that route, I promise!

Instead, I thought maybe I could play around with that expectation? Like...after the cabbie smacks Danny over the head with his cane or whatever, Danny gets knocked out and the film cuts to black for a second or two. Then, we cut to a close-up of Danny's eyes as he wakes up. Hopefully people will by this stage be thinking "oh my god, how typical, it was all a dream". EXCEPT, we pull out from the close-up, and it's Danny, tied and gagged in the boot, with the Cabbie laughing his hearty laugh right before he slams the trunk shut.
 
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Much stronger. Words are weapons, attack your readers with them (not necessarily by hitting them over the head -- but cutting to it, sneaking up when necessary)... to that end, know your weapons.

Passive verbs are mostly centered around state of being verbs "am, is, are, etc..." (Joe is walking rather than Joe walks) These often work to support other verbs anyway ("walking" in this example), so removing the state of being component makes stronger sentences.

I always make a pass on my scripts looking for the verbs to make sure I'm eliminating all of the SOB verbs I can, and checking for tense (which I'm painfully inconsistent with when writing larger passages).
 
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Knightly! You just taught me something new that I will definitely remember in all my future writing! I found myself going through the whole script fixing all those SOB verbs, so yeah, thanks a lot :)
 
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plus-dialogue was decent. I like the image of him being shoved in the trunk with the other victim. I thought the ending had a good little twist, which was necessary to keep the story interesting.
minus- You kind of gave what was expected, the only question up in the air being whether or not the cabbie was actually a psycho, which was implied by the red stains on his shirt. I wonder if the stains were even necessary, considering you had the thumps from the trunk.
It would be interesting to see what happened after the kidnapping. A sequel perhaps?
 
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Yeah, I liked this! Really good!

I only have one critique for you: When Danny exits the cab he says...

DANNY
Holy shit!
(laughs)
What a fuckin’ trip out!

I find the second line to be too much. People don't talk to themselves, or at least sane people dont! The first line is acceptable for me, in reality a swear word is about the most I'll ever say to myself out loud before I realise I'm doing it and stop. Nobody benifits from this line, character or viewer.

Still, really good though. Hope to see it made one day!

EDIT: Just though of one other thing!!! The line "...before kicking his face in." is a bit too ambiguous for my liking. What do we actually see and where does the scene end?
 
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It's not very clear to me what kind of film you're going for. When I read the previous draft I thought you were going for the thriller/horror genre instilling fear in the audience from beginning to end. But with this new version it seems to me that you're more interested in twists and turns. I think we could give you some better feedback if we know what you want to achieve.

For instance, the actor for the cabbie, do you want him to look rather scary or harmless?
 
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I liked the concept but it is still rough around the edges. The hard thing about critiquing a nearly polished script is that it's more like a picture slightly out of focus. You keep trying to figure out what is it that bothers you. I guess that's because the ending raises all the problems of the beginning.

If the cabbie was bent on kidnapping the guy, he's already passed out in the backseat. If you have a psycho cabbie, wouldn't he drive a rigged cab so the passenger can't exit? Why would he even stop? At 3 am on deserted streets, will anybody even here this guy screaming in the back? These are post facto observations.

I think anyone who has taken a night cab can relate to the fears this guy can have as he is driven into more remote locations. You wanted to create the sense that he was panicking over nothing. However, why would the guy leave his cellphone in the cab? You need a reason for the cab driver to have it or acquire it. He can pick it out of his pocket while helping the drunk guy into the back. He might use a pretense of asking to borrow it to call home since his battery died. I would have the guy discover that his cellphone is missing. Rather than having the taxi racing after him, I would make it a more slow, deliberate, suspenseful drive. It delays (hence heightens) the dread and 'relief' when the cabbie simply returns the phone.

Why was she left alive and he was killed? Would the psycho cabbie engage him in conversation about relationships? What was the purpose of collecting the two? Rather than have the cabbie viciously attack him in the alley, I'd have the cabbie engender his trust and start guiding him back to the taxi to go home. Then the guy is strangled without warning. The cabbie gags and binds him before tossing him in the trunk (boot) with the girl. As a visual anchor, I might have a bride-and-groom ornament hanging from the rearview mirror of the cab. As the cab drives away, the availability light blinks off.

The backend of the story sets up "reverse ripples" that disturb the frontend. Sometimes a movie seems really good until the end and then it just all seems to unravel. Your script is a good read until the end. Then all the inconsistencies fall out--all the what-if's and how-come's.

Having said that, I do like your script. If you get rid of the 'interference' (make sure the ending is consistent with the beginning), it will make a great horror short.
 
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OK. I found your version 3. Much improved. Parts seem a bit rushed. I think it becomes more sinister the more paced everything seems. I think some hint at the reasoning for the two in the back would also be helpful for the viewer. A casual 'anchor' that will be realized by the audience at the end when it makes more sense.

CABBIE: Did you know that in some tribes in my country, it is customary for a man to steal his bride from a neighboring tribe?
GUY: Really? I guess he must be pretty desperate. Must piss off her family.
CABBIE: It is expected.
GUY: Does he get to give her back if he doesn't like her?

Guy snorts, leans his head against the window and closes his eyes.
Click to expand...

It is sufficiently general that when the two end up in the trunk, one wonders what the cabbie's purpose is. Is he a collector who sells 'eligible bachelor/ettes' to families? etc.

Version 3 reads more cleanly. I'd still make it less of a chase and more cat-n-mouse prowling but that's my preference. Good work on the story.
 
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