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critique 3 page absurd comedy on retail investment

Hi, I'm new so let me know if I get something wrong :)

I wrote a 3 page surreal comedy script about online retail investment inspired by Mr. Bean old classics like Charlie Chaplin.

I'm looking for some reactions by experienced readers, but of course I'm glad for anyone else to have a read and tell me what they think too.

I'm writing for a while now, so don't worry about feelings, I need the raw data :)
 

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  • 20200509 screenplay draft 1 edited.pdf
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It has some interesting twists, but why the German accent? any links to Robert Oppenheimer
I'm originally german and I'll play the character. I like playing around with accents so that's why Gerry has a strong german accent. German politicians usually butcher english pronounciation and I think it's very funny^^

Yes, it's a reference to Oppenheimer and the nuclear bomb. I consider to use Gerry for a number of surreal adventures and I want to make it key to the character that he is the creator of his own undoing. Also he just has the destructive potential of a nuclear weapon.
 
You could make it longer use this new power to find happiness. I think his death should be more in line with his own actions..............it should be more absurd. Death by sniper is to logical....predictable perhaps
 
I am considering a feature length take on the concept at a later stage, with proper world building as well, but I think I need to make this as a proof of concept to see if it has merit. Also I need to make sure I can actually act this, and I don't kill it.

Interesting comment about the death being too logical. I tried to create a comedy by only telling one lie (Anything Gerry touches/buys withers and dies) and then have that play out in the real world. Then I added some surreal elements that are on the surface, but have no bearing on the plot (he catches the letter before touching the ground/the magic beanstock chart)

I'd be really interested to hear what you would suggest for his death, I'm curious now^^

Also thank you for taking the time thinking about it, I really appreciate it. Shoot anything my way if you want me to give it a read/watch
 
let him buy all kind of strange stock.....and then he sees .....Oppenheimer stocks. Oppenheimer face is one of doubt and a bit of dread....then his face becomes one of evil and happy. Last shot digital hart monitor goes flat Closeup, going to a wide shot Oppenheimer is death...
 
Therese a lot of possibility's here. He could try make the world a better place by investing in shell. Or how would he use this to find love? Interesting potential, it could be the next relaxer
 
Yeah, in a longer version Gerry would try to use his power for good as well although I think he would do it more because he thinks that's what a young genius like him should do rather than real altruism. (Gerry has a slight God complex, he is smart, but no genius). I like the idea of only targeting "bad" companies. Maybe he could even open sell positions on Beyond Meat, tesla, etc and their values go up to infinite (I have no idea what the real world consequences would be xD)

The trailer looks fun although a bit too gross for anything I'd do. Thanks for showing me, it'll make a good case study for low/no budget production.
 
Hi I read the 3 pages.
I loved the sectant and dice scene!
I did not quite get the call and consequent transfer scene.
In general, I would suggest create a social network for Gerry - and how they react to his up and downs. Could be quite funny. One word - it is hard to keep it funny all the time, so I like the absurdity twist - but even in the absurd world would like to see some normal emotions, so Gerry doesn't exist in a vacuum.
 
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It's funny movie... I recommend it. When you tell the story of Gerry I think most of it will be in one room... That's why I was thinking of relaxer.
Hm, it could definitely work as a one room drama, but if I can make decent short and raise a bit of funding I want to take Gerry outside^^ I'll give relaxer a watch although I'm sacred based on the vomit scene in the trailer lol
 
Hi I read the 3 pages.
I loved the sectant and dice scene!
I did not quite get the call and consequent transfer scene.
In general, I would suggest create a social network for Gerry - and how they react to his up and downs. Could be quite funny. One word - it is hard to keep it funny all the time, so I like the absurdity twist - but even in the absurd world would like to see some normal emotions, so Gerry doesn't exist in a vacuum.
Thank you for the feedback, Im glad you like the fortune teller bit^^ the call and transfer is meant to be Gerry using his "power" to crash stockmarkets to blackmail the governments of the world into making him rich after all. Does that clarify it? Let me know.
With social network you mean real life friends etc, not that I should make up a fake version of facebook? In anything longer I would give him a friend or girlfriend I think, but he is fairly lonely. In this short I felt I'd keep it like Mr. Bean: one character, limited location and one concept to explore.
 
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I loved it! I was surprised at how much I did lol. It also reminds me of Relaxed a lot! Which I loved.
I honestly think you could stretch it to be a longer one room thing like what was already said. Good work making something pretty original and fun to read through!
 
I liked it, found it quite humorous. Like others have said, not too sure about the ending though. I liked the suggestion someone else made about him buying stock in himself or you could do something along the lines of him robbing businesses at laptop-point. Threatening to buy their stock unless they hand over cash before unltimately falling foul of the law. Anyway, I think it has got promise as a concept and it did remind me of Mr. Bean a lot. I was half-expecting him to try turning the computer screen upside down at one point in an effort to reverse the falling stock. Keep going with it!
 
Thank you for the feedback, Im glad you like the fortune teller bit^^ the call and transfer is meant to be Gerry using his "power" to crash stockmarkets to blackmail the governments of the world into making him rich after all. Does that clarify it? Let me know.
With social network you mean real life friends etc, not that I should make up a fake version of facebook? In anything longer I would give him a friend or girlfriend I think, but he is fairly lonely. In this short I felt I'd keep it like Mr. Bean: one character, limited location and one concept to explore.

If you intend to keep this story like Mr.Bean's (though he does interact with a lot of different characters), thats perfectly fine. It is just that it is quite hard to keep viewers interested with only one character, or even with two. Thats why I think that the social network (not Facebook), but his social environment, like friends, family or a girlfriend, could enrich the character (who is now funny - but thats only thing we know, which may make him one sided) and enrich the story you are going to tell. I am sure that you have the whole story arch in your mind or on a paper. Something may start with a boom, and how it is going to contain that level of boom? - is an important question, as well as closure of the story.
 
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I loved it! I was surprised at how much I did lol. It also reminds me of Relaxed a lot! Which I loved.
I honestly think you could stretch it to be a longer one room thing like what was already said. Good work making something pretty original and fun to read through!

Thank you, I'm glad you like it :) my plan at this point is definately to write a feature based on the concept
 
I liked it, found it quite humorous. Like others have said, not too sure about the ending though. I liked the suggestion someone else made about him buying stock in himself or you could do something along the lines of him robbing businesses at laptop-point. Threatening to buy their stock unless they hand over cash before unltimately falling foul of the law. Anyway, I think it has got promise as a concept and it did remind me of Mr. Bean a lot. I was half-expecting him to try turning the computer screen upside down at one point in an effort to reverse the falling stock. Keep going with it!

I'm glad you like it :) I love visual comedy like turning the laptop. I think I'll waste an old laptop so Gerry can draw the perfect buying point literally on the screen
 
If you intend to keep this story like Mr.Bean's (though he does interact with a lot of different characters), thats perfectly fine. It is just that it is quite hard to keep viewers interested with only one character, or even with two. Thats why I think that the social network (not Facebook), but his social environment, like friends, family or a girlfriend, could enrich the character (who is now funny - but thats only thing we know, which may make him one sided) and enrich the story you are going to tell. I am sure that you have the whole story arch in your mind or on a paper. Something may start with a boom, and how it is going to contain that level of boom? - is an important question, as well as closure of the story.

I agree, for a feature version he definitely will have people around him. I rewatched the bean movie the other day (the one he mucks about in a LA Art event) and the family hosting him are crucial to the story. Im thinking that Gerry probably has a best friend and he might get (and screw up) a relationship now and then.
 
If you want to keep it surreal. You could have him have fictional relationships with: scam princes from Congo, a cam girl, advertisements people, a old death celebrity from the 50's. You could even have conversations with objects in his apartment.
 
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