12 Page Screenplay - Adaptation of a Stage Play

[cameronchapman]

Just finished a 12-page adaptation of the old play Enigma, by Floyd Dell (it's in the public domain). Thinking about using this to shoot a short film sometime this fall. Would love any feedback/suggestions.

Here's the link (Google Docs): http://bit.ly/muCK23

If anyone's interested, here's a link to the original play: http://one-act-plays.com/dramas/enigma.html
I basically just updated the language, and added in some flashback scenes. The goal here is to keep it as basic as possible, so that it can be shot in a short time frame and with a non-existent budget.

UPDATE: I revised based on the comments below. Here's the new link: http://bit.ly/lzCLF4

 

[FantasySciFi]

Just finished a 12-page adaptation of the old play Enigma, by Floyd Dell (it's in the public domain). Thinking about using this to shoot a short film sometime this fall. Would love any feedback/suggestions.

Here's the link (Google Docs): http://bit.ly/muCK23

If anyone's interested, here's a link to the original play: http://one-act-plays.com/dramas/enigma.html
I basically just updated the language, and added in some flashback scenes. The goal here is to keep it as basic as possible, so that it can be shot in a short time frame and with a non-existent budget.

Too much talking head. The dialogue is too long. I appreciate that you want to stay true to the play, but film is a visual medium. This often kills playwrights because you need to slash out lots of verbiage. You're not painting pictures with words as a screenwriter.

Original:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

                             PAUL
                   Something of that sort must have
                   happened to us.

                             HELEN
                        (shaking her head)
                   No, it happened to me. It didn't
                   happen to you. You made up your
                   mind and walked in, with the air of
                   a god on holiday. I was the one who
                   fell--headlong, dizzy and blind.
                   Dammit, I didn't want to love you.
                   But it was a force too strong for
                   me. It swept me into your arms, no
                   matter how hard I fought against
                   it. I had to give myself to you,
                   even though I knew you hardly
                   cared. I had to, you had my heart
                   from the beginning. It was in your
                   hands, to do what you liked this.
                   You could have thrown it in the
                   dust.

                             PAUL
                   This is all very romantic and
                   exciting, but tell me--did I throw
                   it in the dust?

Revised:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
A large sofa with pillows sits in front of a curtained window.

Paul comes in and collapses in the corner of the sofa.

                             PAUL
                   Something of that sort must have
                   happened to us.

                             HELEN
                        (shaking her head)
                   No, it happened to me, not you. 
                   I was the one who fell headlong, 
                   dizzy and blind in love.

She wanders to the shelf and picks up a statue of a
soldier.  She turns away from the sofa.

                               HELEN
                   Dammit, I didn't want to love you.
                   The force was too strong.  It swept me 
                   into your arms.  I had to give myself
                   to you ...

She sets the statue down and turns upon him.

                                HELEN
                   ... even though I knew you hardly
                   cared.  You had my heart and could 
                   have thrown it in the dust.

Paul gives a droll clap from the sofa.

                             PAUL
                   Bravo!  So very romantic and
                   exciting.  Tell me--did I throw
                   it in the dust?

I cut out a lot of the verbiage. Not that the words are bad, but they are filler. The script has to have some visual description of what is happening. Now since you would film it, you have in your mind what the actors should be doing. But in a script, you need to give the reader/actor some visual clues.

Adapting books and plays can be challenging. Sometimes they need to be altered in significant ways to tell the story. In re-writing your script, I would look at what really conveys the meaning. Break long passages up visually. And don't be afraid to cut out lines and filler words.

Because the camera can move into different angles, the actors don't have to be blocked to face an audience. She can direct her attention to a wall with her back to him. The camera can see her deliver her lines. That flexibility allows you to be more creative in how you visualize a scene.

Good luck with your adaptation and shooting.

 

[cameronchapman]

Thanks for the tips. This is the first time I've tried adapting a play (I did a short script based on a fairy tale once), and so figuring out how much to change is obviously the challenge.