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  1. F

    How are my first 5 pages?

    How does he know Tyler's a cop? Could be boyfriend, co-worker, neighbor or landowner if she's renting. They can have a permit to carry a gun and use it for self-defense. You didn't say Tyler is dressed in his uniform. You as the writer know, but Henderson has no clue who or what Tyler is...
  2. F

    How are my first 5 pages?

    The criminals could not use it as a defense. As the officer was acting to stop a crime in progress. You cannot collect evidence off the individual (hair, blood, saliva) or the criminal's personal property without a warrant UNLESS there is probable cause. If an officer in the course of a...
  3. F

    How are my first 5 pages?

    Okay. You're justifying your writing. Everything you mentioned is what your audience should be seeing in real time. If they don't get it, if you lose them in the first five minutes, most tune out. Whatever happens down the road is irrelevant. To hit your points briefly: 1. I thought the...
  4. F

    How are my first 5 pages?

    Lots of spelling, grammar and formatting errors. The characters don't feel real or believable. The situation is odd and unbelievable. I have to say the dialogue was rather on the nose. Lots of little things stand out. EXT. HIGHWAY GAS STATION -- OUTSIDE VANCOUVER, CANADA -- DAY CONSTABLE...
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    I need some screenwriting help

    I think it was a useful lesson in learning the business. I understand where you're coming from but from the writer's perspective, you started offering him large sums of money which in all reality would never materialize. Instead of helping to educate you and work with you, he sought to let you...
  6. F

    Film Premise for Vampire Flick

    Sounds like a fun romp. A little like "I Frankenstein" but the themes pop up in lots of films. It also has parts of the "Blade" films. It will all be about how well you create a believable world, like "Underworld" series. In this piece, the hardest part will be character development. Since...
  7. F

    logline COLUMBIA TV Sci-Fi Drama Series logline

    I like it better. This is what I was suggesting earlier. Though not knowing your concept, I was more verbose than I'd like. This fits the bill nicely--succinct and meaningful. I'm not even sure 'mid-life crisis' is really vital to put in the logline if you want to shorten it. For me, the...
  8. F

    logline COLUMBIA TV Sci-Fi Drama Series logline

    This reads much better. This is what will catch a viewer's eye. It tells me who and what.
  9. F

    Need Help!!

    Since you are a novice, it is best to start with short scripts to shoot with your friends. These are often 5-10 pages. It gives you practice writing with good format. It gives you practice with how to shoot film. It makes it easier to work with actors since it only requires 1 or 2 days to...
  10. F

    logline COLUMBIA TV Sci-Fi Drama Series logline

    Not really to both. Unfortunately as T2F and Sweetie point out, the logline doesn't really define a series but reads very finite. Does it require the psychiatrist and the woman to travel through time or by FTL is it simply she's returned from travel? What's the source of tension? Okay, she...
  11. F

    Psychologist of a Psychologist

    I think you're taking this in far too serious a direction. As a counselor, I can say this would violate ethical and legal boundaries. If you keep it light and comical, you can get away with this more unethical, bizarre behavior. Because most people work, the clinics I've worked in often are...
  12. F

    Does the audience need to know, or can I just imply?

    "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein If you still have the same dilemma then you are still using the same thinking. Keep it...
  13. F

    So I want to make a film about Simo Häyhä.

    For American audiences or Finnish audiences? I'm afraid it would be perceived as a rip-off of "American Sniper". While I appreciate your interest, I suspect most Americans would be totally uninterested. Most Americans don't have a clue where Finland is and fewer know what the "Winter War" is...
  14. F

    Does the audience need to know, or can I just imply?

    Okay but really you want, according to Truby, to have one main genre. When you talked about "Departed" with the undercover, that's basically a police equivalent of espionage only instead of countries you have organizations (police & mob). So if the cop and his partner are undercover, they are...
  15. F

    Does the audience need to know, or can I just imply?

    Okey dokily. I didn't think of that. I mean in "Taken" Liam Neeson is an innocent guy who goes all badass and out for vengeance. And in "Lethal Weapon 2" I guess I thought Mel Gibson was a cop on a mission he kind of went looking for revenge. But that story doesn't share anything with yours...
  16. F

    Does the audience need to know, or can I just imply?

    Which "before" is that? :) I'm glad you have a plan. Be sure to work forward from the beginning towards the end in a planned way, keeping it simple and consistent with your characters' personalities. The Story (the big S story) has to make sense. You can have gaps where real world logic is...
  17. F

    Does the audience need to know, or can I just imply?

    You keep thinking and worrying about all these elaborations when you need to be thinking about what you can realistically do. This is something you and your friends are planning to shoot. 1. Keep it simple. You don't need a complex plot line. You're not writing a Hollywood blockbuster...
  18. F

    An Idea for a Horror Screenplay

    Sounds like the "Island of Dr. Moreau" or season 2 of "Helix". How is yours different?
  19. F

    Psychologist of a Psychologist

    If this is Shlomi's first visit and a panicked secretary grabs him by the arm and says watch her, I would think his first reaction is this is one of the doctor's patients. She's running to find the doctor. One doesn't expect one's doctor to be standing by a window. English doesn't distinguish...
  20. F

    Psychologist of a Psychologist

    If the psychologist had a problem, you would be correct. There is a branch of therapy that uses paradoxical approaches to help clients. It works very well with some clients. The important piece for this short is that it has to be humorous or at least light to be effective. @Inarius: I don't...
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