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Thanks for the comments SFoster. You're definitely right about the over-description in the opening. I have actually re-written this since I posted it here a while back and cut a lot of the description back. The line you suggested to replace the introduction is perhaps better than what I came up...

Crikey, that's a lot of work you are putting into making this twist work. Are you moving the story half way across the world to a poor country in order for it to sound like a noble deed when she gives her child away? Why does it suddenly need to be in India? To me, it seems the problem is...

No, I agree. That doesn't sound particularly noble. Sorry to butt in Constantin, but I think it may be helpful to explain that your story is only really about the one twin and his family for the most part. The twin brother and his other family only really come into it as part of the second act...

I posted the short horror script I created on another thread here a while ago. link show below if you want to take a look. https://indietalk.com/threads/low-budget-horror-slasher.61045/

I'm not sure of the full angle on this story and if there's something else to come that will explain it, but the actions and dialogue of Elsie seems more akin to the behaviour of a teenager rather than someone in their 20s. Aside from what's already been commented on, the only other thing I...

Horror is a hit and miss genre for me. I'm not that into slashers or comedy horrors unless there's a really good story propping it up. A lot of them are pretty corny and predictable. If they rely on jump scenes to get a reaction then it's not a good movie as far as I'm concerned. I like the...

I agree with mlesemann. 5 to 7 minutes seems to be about the sweet spot. Not sure whether you could maybe break your story down into smaller pieces but I think you would definitely get more views that way. If they like the first part, people will keep watching. It's like Netflix and the binge...

No, it all sounds really good. Keep us posted on your progress. I've attached a little suggestion on thr Clive/Scissors scene, just an idea.

Ok, that makes a bit more sense. I'd still look at perhaps toning it down a bit though. Like I said, just seems there's something not quite natural about it, not cheesy exactly, but a bit too formal in terms of the way they talk. Sorry, I don't mean to come across as being overly critical but...

It's definitely better than the first draft, probably needs a few more rewrites yet though. There's still a little too much over-description going on for me. It's a problem I also have when writing as I'm trying to explain exactly how I picture the scene but it makes the writing clunky. What I...

I'm not saying you should remove it. If it's a good visual shot that moves the story along, use it. Just don't use directing terminology to express it. Instead think how you can best describe it so the audience can visualise it the same way you see it in your mind.

There's a few spelling mistakes. I understand you're eager to get feedback but read your script back to yourself several dozen times before putting it out there. Similarly, your descriptions could do with being snappier, there's a lot of over-describing. "Vanessa's eyes remain closed as she...

Thanks for all you suggestions, definitely given me some good ideas of how to approach it. If it's not a faux pax to describe the incoming scenery prior to the new slugline then that does makes things a lot easier.

Yes, that's exactly right. I'm just trying to figure how I should best describe it. Don't want to come across as directing or break any rules.

Thanks StoneJack, if this is an acceptable way to write it then that does help me. My concern with doing something like this is that you have effectively described the new scene prior to the slugline. I wasn't sure if that was allowable or not.

Perhaps I didn't explain very well what I meant. If you imagine within a dream, you can be doing something and in the next moment you seemlessly find yourself in a completely different location and possibly doing something different. What I'm trying to figure is how best to describe that in a...

Quick question on formatting. I have a screenplay which involves a number of dream sequences where there is either an immediate or gradual (merging images) transition from one location to another. What is the best way to describe this in a spec screenplay? I've read previously that you...

He is basically trying to get them to "move on" and stop living in fear since that is no life to live. Since they dont really understand what happened the first time, they have no particular reason to expect it to happen again even though the wife remains paranoid. Instead he wants them to...

I have a low-budget horror/slasher concept I'm trying to develop. I've written a short on the psychopath serial killer who forms the base of the story. I'm looking for some feedback as to whether the character "works" as a credible but engaging antagonist. I won't go into the full backstory for...

Hi there, thank you for your constuctive feedback. In answer to your questions, the parents are vaguely aware that they are living in an abnormal situation but react in the same way that any animal/pet in that situation would, it becomes their normality. We don't see it (as it would spoil the...