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Not really the protaganist as such, the detective who is chasing him is supposed to be, but my initial idea for the movie was aimed at having the audience being empathetic to both sides so in that respect I suppose you could consider him as both an antagonist and joint protaganist (if that makes...

Would like some help and advice with a feature screenplay I'm developing. I'm aiming for a low budget gritty thriller/horror and I'm planning to set it in London. I've got the premise of the story, and I've written an outline, but as I try to add depth to the story, I find myself torn between...

Yeah, it's difficult. Like I said, the only thing I could think to make it work would be to do a light hearted take on a dark subject. I'm thinking along the lines of other films that involve kids and killing like Kick Ass or the Addams Family.

Yeah, I prefer Lily Fire to this. I liked the begninning and the premise of this assasin training school but I'm not sure about the plot. As you say, it's quite dark, which personally I don't mind, but then I'd prefer a more gritty and realistic plot (minus the mass killing and kung fu). If...

I like it. Seems a bit like a modern version of Mathilda's story in "Leon".

Ok, a few rambling questions - Why did they stop time, what was that for? And what then happened while the time stopped? Where did the groundhog come from if time was stopped? What was Rayla trying to get Gerda to do after eating the pig when Gerda started chanting, and why couldn't she do it...

That was really confusing, entertaining though. Good to see the madness is continuing. :lol:

Funny you say that as it was one of the things that didn't really come off as believable in this movie (maybe I overestimated his ability). I don't know if you meant it as a parody or not, but there's no way someone's going to take days on end of practicing to make one simple shot from right in...

Only other thing to add to SFoster's great advice is you shouldn't put numbers in dialogue. 6 should be written as six. The only exception really is if you're writing a year i.e. 2020. Other than that, not sure how much critique can be provided, the story is pretty short. It's more a short...

I thought the intro was quite well made, probably too long for a short film, but would work for a feature length movie. As others have said though, if you dont have the rights to the sports clips or the music you're on sticky ground. Unfortunately, the rest of the film had a very different...

Wow. Need some time to digest that before i can give an opinion. First observations though, intense. Disturbed! I literally was. Second observation, why do you keep using the same slugline over and over, surely you need to have something to distinguish the one scene from the next timeplace...

Can't wait to see what you come up with next. Perhaps a group of cross-dressing alligators start a biker gang, travelling along the east coast in order to enact vengeance on those pesky transphobic crocodiles.

Someone, call this man a medic! Quick. :lol:

Thank you Mara, that does help a lot. Definitely will use FIGURE to describe the person spying, that will work for how I need to keep it vague about who it is! Regarding the monologue conversation, you're right. I'm just trying to explain the character's whole theology in this short piece. When...

I'm starting to fear for your sanity SFoster! :shocked:

Thanks for your input Unknown screenwriter. I haven't written any of the feature screenplay, just this short, although I do have an outline for the overall story. The idea was to get some feedback about the character first, and make the necessary changes to his personality before I start. I...

Have you been smoking something? That was pretty... surreal! Side note: how come you can use "wide shot" and I'm not allowed to use POV? Haha.

Haha, it does though. Makes it more difficult as it's not a man, it's a woman watching. But I want the viewer to think it's a man, the antogonist. Argghh!

I'm not planning to direct it, no. I get what you're saying and it ties in with other things I've read and even advice I've given out myself but..... it seems by far the easiest, clearest and most logical way to convey it in a screenplay by just using POV. It feels like I'm purposely going out...

Ok, thanks again for the feedback. Going back to the POV aspect of it. The reason I've done it that way (i.e. to purposely not see who is spying) is that it is a major twist in the story. You don't actually find out who this person is until the very end of the movie. I need some way to convey...