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I know what you mean, I'm massively guilty of overdescribing in the description and overelaborating in dialogue. I tend to do it that way in the first draft so I don't leave something out that seems obvious to me, but might not be to the reader. Once I'm done I go at the script with a hacksaw...

Thank you so much Mara and for taking the time to read it. I'm glad you like it overall. As usual, you are on the money with your critique. My aim was for a film 90 to 100 minutes long so wanted to keep the first act under 25 pages. I was going quite well but then the pages got away with me...

Many thanks to the members who offered their advice on this project on the previous 2 threads, notably @sfoster, @mlesemann and @Unknown Screenwriter. Have taken the comments and suggestions on board and tweaked the story. The main things I've changed is that the killer now plays a more...

Well no, most probably wouldn't. But then again, most probably wouldn't brazenly murder an entire innocent family in the middle of their children's birthday party while eating ribs LOL.

You could include scenes where they are dressed in a uniform/suit. Something different from their normal attire to distinguish their work and private life. If it's not at all relevant to the film, a phone call or comment about "X at work" somewhere in the dialogue might be enough. Depends really...

You mean soften him in the sense that he cares enough to spare her having to witness the slaughter? A little, perhaps, but you still have the contradiction of a compassionate hired killer defying orders, we'd need something to make us understand why he is making this choice. Are you thinking...

I assume you're talking about the car bombing that Tony wants to call off because the father is with his kid? I suppose if you were trying to transfer the same concept into this film though, that would mean calling off the entire hit because the kid was there? The difference in yours is they've...

I perhaps wouldn't write it as bluntly as "Grandpa has a heart attack" straight after the hitmen enter. When I first read that line, I imagined it in my head in rather a comedic way with Grandpa dropping dead before a word had been uttered. Maybe use visual clues instead (clutches his chest...

Oops, sorry man. I thought you were great, definitely the best actor in the movie ;). Really enjoyed the film though, it was a bit like a cross between the movies Time Lapse and Unfriended.

I thought it was great! Nice little concept and I could see it working in a feature film if you wanted to expand it further. Not really sure of any specific recommendations for improvement. Acting could perhaps be taken up a notch to build more tension but that's a minor observation. Really good...

That could be quite funny actually. The teens are all slapping themselves on the back for conning these people out of hit money and then they see reports on the news that the nominated targets are actually getting killed off for real.

Thanks, I appreciate it. Going to spend some time now going over all the suggestions here. It's given me lots of options and ideas to work with.

I'd definitely watch that. Sounds like it would fit with a teen stoner setup or something like that. They create the site thinking they can make some easy cash, believing nobody can report them to the police given the nature of the site.

I'm going to use that. Thanks. Made myself giggle picturing some scenes of him

Holy cr*p! Yes, message me if you find any more details. Does sound very similar to my premise albeit without the money/contract kill part.

Thanks, few ideas for me to chew on there. One of them though is already similar to part of my story. Early on in the film, the detective's partner gets suspended after he is accused of deliberately killing someone in custody. The main detective then gets assigned a new female partner. The...

His background in the army is as a communications officer so that's why he's pretty tech savvy. Funnily enough, my degree is in Computer Science too! It's not that difficult to set up a site on the deep web, and while communication channels can get intecepted with some difficulty, that wouldn't...

Had no idea there was a real website like this, no. If it's too sensitive to put on the thread, would you mind messaging me some details about it. Just thinking from a research viewpoint, would be good to know the background of it if my idea is similar. Thanks for your the comments too, very...

Yes, I have a twist ending in mind. One that leaves the story open to a sequel. As for humour, that is what I'm working on quite a bit at the moment. Banter between the main Detective and his partner. Plus humorous dialogue from the killer towards his victims.

You make some very good points there. When i say cult hero among the general public, i just mean he develops a following from people who are similarly fed up with how things are. Not the entire general public. I didn't make that very clear. As for the torture aspect, personally I think that...