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You have a lot of newbie mistakes. Usage errors, grammar, etc. enthralled = engaged, bedazzled, liking VS. ensnared = trapped, caught up in exhaustive = comprehensive VS. exhausted = tired humility = being humble, self sacrificing VS. humiliation = being embarrassed Capitalizing action...

We all start somewhere. The script has lots of problems. A film script is a blueprint. A well formatted script helps you gauge film length, budget, shoot time, scheduling, needed locations, shots, etc. I would REALLY recommend you get a good book and properly format your script from the very...

It's rather predictable--abused boy/girl disillusioned at school drifts into dreamworld then kills their abusive mother/father. Not a lot of story or character development. Caroline is rather non-descript. You switch names, Otis and Oliver. Not much development there either. The lack of...

The end is about the emotional resolution. I realize that's not an area you work well in but for most people, its the emotional satisfaction (or disappointment) with good (or evil) triumphing at the end. Action (high or low key) of the climax is what precipitates the conclusion where the...

Well intentioned, but we've been down this path before with H44. 1. The "bad cop" is the protagonist. 2. H44 wants the DA to be a minor character. (Again, I was thinking like you originally.) 3. The real bad cop is really Manning, a character the villains kill off. 4. The reason the main...

That's part of the Anti-Hero's Journey. Harry continues to compromise his values and integrity. His blind single minded pursuit becomes an obsession. If you want to model Tyler after Harry, go for it. What you can't do is mix your storylines as you've done in the current script summary. You...

Same is true for your main plot involving Tyler. The audience is left wondering what's the point from the very beginning. Tossing in more subplots doesn't fix the main problem--your main plot. It's like dropping more candy canes into your whirring blender of brownness hoping for a different...

Yep. That or the author is clueless. Gangs work on a "blood in, blood out" system. You kill/injure someone (spill blood) to get into the gang. Being a gang member is a lifetime commitment. "Blood out" means that to leave the gang, you die or get killed. It's the gang member's blood that's...

Knowing what we do later--that this is basically a porno shoot to test Manning--it doesn't make sense that they would scurry to bleach everything or panic. It's still not clear why, without a search warrant, Tyler wouldn't just leave. She received immunity for the events in Wray's house, not...

First, you did a good job preparing your treatment. It helped to layout clearly what you had in mind. I took the time to start reading through it. Below are my quick notes. Sequence 1 I'm not sure the purpose of Manning going back if he knows she's safe with Tyler. It's a move that would...

Your first two pages: EXT. HIGHWAY GAS STATION -- OUTSIDE VANCOUVER, CANADA -- DAY CONSTABLE TYLER LAMONT, 30, of the Vancouver police force, is a handsome young man of average build. He's off duty, and filling up his civilian car, leaning against it, in wait... He hears a dispatcher make an...

As PSW said, it would help to have a synopsis or treatment of your existing script. Because as you describe above, it is no longer the Anti-Hero's Journey which is taken alone. You've made it into a "buddy cop" film or 'Two Samurai' type film. I'm not sure it's better since attempting to take...

Who is they? Who is the other cop? What prevents Sheila from being someone Tyler and/or the other cop knew? Too many unknowns because the script is unavailable. Nobody can make suggestions in a vacuum. While you have the whole story in your head, the rest here only have bits and pieces. And...

Interesting question. Are you shooting this yourself? If so, you can be a bit more flexible. The importance of the character is to know who we see visually. So if I were writing about a person inhabited by an entity, I might write JARED/LISA where Jared is who we see but Lisa is the...

I think rape is taken seriously, especially when the victim is found bound. However, it probably would not draw as much attention as killing two fellow officers. Again, if someone close to Tyler is raped and later commits suicide, it may motivate him. Indeed, if the DA is ruthless enough to...

Nothing about that stops it from happening. He can still be injured in the process. It could also be a way for him to be "redeemed", though it would no longer be an Anti-Hero's Journey. But not hold them. Even Tyler would know that. There are a couple problems. Many people are killed even...

INT. TYLER'S OFFICE - DAY Tyler, hunched at his desk, pores over open files with mug shot photos. He turns another page until one of the faces jumps out, Manning's. The phone rings and his hand grasps it and draws it to his ear. TYLER (to phone)...

Character development overshadows minor plot deficits. People go to see the characters, the action and the special effects. The plot is important but you can put superman, spiderman and any number of heroes in different scenarios and get the same interest. When you talk about non-comic films...

Then that is why you fail with writing your character. If you can't even believe this is how YOU would act, then the audience won't believe it either. When does he get mad and want revenge? How do you lead up to that? Apples and oranges. There are seven seasons (about 140 episodes) of...

It's an interesting concept but a bit choppy in the presentation. Also has some "Final Fantasy" overtones jumping between reality and fantasy. It sounds like multiple plot lines. It might make a better series than a film. I like it overall it just needs to have a bit more coherence. Even in...