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  1. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    Thanks a lot, Suspire. I appreciate it!
  2. Adeimantus

    critique First page of first screenplay

    Brief descriptions of major characters when first introducing them in a script are a generally accepted screenwriting standard because the descriptions ideally should foreshadow and enhance their personality and character later in the story. They may not be necessary to every reader, but they...
  3. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    Huzzah! If you leave a review on Amazon, I'll be forever in your debt, good sir!
  4. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    Mlesemann: Ha! Yes, it's confusing because the script I'm writing tells an adapted story, not exactly the same story as the book. Federico is in the book, not the script. Anyway, thanks again for your feedback!
  5. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    mlesemann: Thanks for delving into the second excerpt. Yes, I'm aware of the expository heaviness it carries there. As usual, I'm up against the old bugaboo of trying to cram a lot (maybe too much) into the very limited space and time of a feature script. Novels are particularly resistant to...
  6. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    Hi, Mlesemann Thanks so much for reading and the suggestions! Great idea to give an example of the transitions. I'm including a link to another excerpt (9 pages) of scenes where I move between the real world and the fantasy world. In the real world, I'm using her childhood diary as a technique...
  7. Adeimantus

    critique Help with an adaptation

    Having been absent for quite some time, it's great to be back again. A few old monikers I recognize and many new talents! I was hoping for some feedback on a screen adaptation of a novel I published a few years ago. Back story: A young woman in an abusive relationship suffers a severe injury...
  8. Adeimantus

    critique First page of first screenplay

    Oh, and I notice you stopped overusing character parentheticals to give acting directions, which is a bad habit to fall into.
  9. Adeimantus

    critique First page of first screenplay

    This is an improvement. You're not directing the actors quite as much, and your action lines aren't as overly dense and detailed. You do need a short descriptive phrase when introducing each of your main characters, however, and unless you're sure the context makes it immediately clear that...
  10. Adeimantus

    Looking for fresh eyes on a TV Pilot

    Hey, Uneducatedfan Really appreciate the read! A few explanations and answers. Mother runs back into the smoke to be with her husband, and realizes she is fulfilling a prophecy, and must submit to it. The Sheriff visits the Priest to check up on him. Just a social call, as well as an...
  11. Adeimantus

    Looking for fresh eyes on a TV Pilot

    directorik, Thanks for reading and the feedback. I appreciate it. I agree on the main points. With regard to the uppercase words, I have to say I've watched your valiant fight against them for eight years since I started on this forum. I'm with you and agree. But I think we've lost the war. My...
  12. Adeimantus

    Looking for fresh eyes on a TV Pilot

    This piece has been on the burner for two years in various forms. It's a collab, and I believe we're in the end game as far as revisions go (20+ major revisions). Any feedback would be appreciated. I'd consider a script swap if that would be of interest. I do prefer comments to be posted here...
  13. Adeimantus

    How scripts should be critiqued? and by who?

    It's all important. Let's say you're trying to sell a Lamborghini. And it's sleek, and fast, and every inch is honed to microscopic precision. But it has square wheels... You see where I'm going with this. If by "grammar," you mean your action descriptions are filled with grade-school level...
  14. Adeimantus

    Feedback on first 10 pages please.

    My pleasure! Remember, it's relatively easy to write a strong scene or two. What's damn hard is writing 60 or 70 of them and putting them together into a dramatic whole that works smoothly to tell a satisfying and enjoyable story. That's the real challenge! Best of luck with it!
  15. Adeimantus

    Feedback on first 10 pages please.

    Hey, UneducatedFan I liked this -- it was fun. A bit hokey, but fun. A few small things. Your villain, Varok, starts off using the most god-awful stereotypical backwoods accent and vocabulary, which would be kind of fun if you maintained it. But after a few dialogue blocks, you drop it for...
  16. Adeimantus

    Quick help needed on a short (19 page) script

    Nope. Just the fact that she's basically a skeleton is kept hidden.
  17. Adeimantus

    Quick help needed on a short (19 page) script

    Sorry it didn't grab you, sfoster. And nope, nothing at all to do with Finding Nemo. Heh.
  18. Adeimantus

    Quick help needed on a short (19 page) script

    There is no widespread agreement as to one space or two. Surveyed English teachers in the US are split down the middle. The Chicago Manual of Style says one space, the Modern Language Association says one may be better, but two is perfectly fine. I do know one thing, however. "Douchebag" is...
  19. Adeimantus

    Quick help needed on a short (19 page) script

    I've tried repeatedly to communicate your excellent point to my thumb, but it insists, of it's own will and volition, to hit the space bar twice after a period. I've even considered amputation, but have reluctantly remembered that I need my thumb for grasping various objects including, but not...
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